1. After a week and 1/2 of straight up, stocks look for a break prior to Holiday weekend.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Good Fri Morning! Gold is up 9.6 to 1266. Silver is up 10 to 17.30. Crude is up 31 to 49.31. The USD is down 17 to 97,00.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Week of 5/13/2017 Closing prices & Chg Over Last Wk---- Gold $1227.70-- UP 0.80 Silver $16.40-- UP 13 Oil $47.84-- UP 1.62 USD $99.13 -- UP .61
  4. "Spreading the ideas of freedom loving people on matters regarding high finance, politics, constructionist Constitution, and mental masturbation of all types"
    Dismiss Notice

JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. SilverNuts&Bolts

    SilverNuts&Bolts Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Location:
    Calgary, Alberta, Canada, oil-sands Capitol
    hAPPY, HAPPY fOOLS dAY?

    Bowling for Blondes!
    Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

    The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
    The Blonde team rides on the top level.

    The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

    She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

    The Brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

    One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says...
    "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
     
  2. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
  3. Li RM35M4419

    Li RM35M4419 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Re: Joke of the day

    ............
     

    Attached Files:

  4. fromserpo

    fromserpo Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Re: Joke of the day

    kids are Quick .
    > ____________________________________
    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
    CLASS: Maria.
    > ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this kid)
    ____________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    > __________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
    ________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
    ___________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
    __________________
     
    michael59, Flake, orovicino and 4 others like this.
  5. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    6,609
    Likes Received:
    6,198
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Re: Joke of the day

    Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

    This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


    Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


    After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,

    "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
     
  6. SilverNuts&Bolts

    SilverNuts&Bolts Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    28
    Location:
    Calgary, Alberta, Canada, oil-sands Capitol
    When blondes do puzzles
    A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"

    Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"

    All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
     
    Tinbox and smilershouse like this.
  7. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
    your computer history if you die.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
    realize you're wrong.

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
    sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
    the person died.

    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    10. Bad decisions make good stories.

    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
    work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
    productive for the rest of the day.

    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
    don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
    me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I
    swear I did not make any changes to.

    14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

    15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
    Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
    goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
    phone and run away?

    16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
    seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
    to answer when they call. I sometimes rename them…..okay MOST of the
    time I rename them. Usually something really snarky.

    18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
    Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

    21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
    and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I
    first saw it.

    22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
    than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

    23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
    finish a text.

    24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
    nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they
    said?

    26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team
    up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
    brothers and sisters!

    27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
    dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

    29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
    are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

    30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
    drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
    cyclists.

    31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
    still not know what time it is.

    32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
    car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
    on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the
    snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed,
    first time, every time!
     
    FoundingFathers likes this.
  8. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Crap

    Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

    Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

    You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

    1.. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

    2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

    3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

    4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

    5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

    6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

    7.. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

    8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

    9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

    Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
     
    Barefoot Traveler likes this.
  9. fromserpo

    fromserpo Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    28
    AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

    Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented youY from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

    ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours,

    Alex
     
  10. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
  11. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Rednecks, Buck and Bill, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

    Bill turns to Buck and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through
    life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community
    College and sign up for some classes.'

    Buck thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

    The next day, Bill goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
    Admissions, who assists signing him up for the four basic classes: Math,
    English, History, and Logic.

    'Logic?' Bill says. 'What's that?'

    The Dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

    'Yeah.'

    'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
    you would have a yard.'

    'That's true, I do have a yard.'

    'I'm not done,' the Dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
    logically that you would have a house.'

    'Yes, I do have a house.'

    'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

    'Yes, I have a family.

    'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
    have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
    must be a heterosexual.'

    'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all
    of that because I have a weed eater.'

    Excited to take the class now, Bill shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
    to go meet Buck at the bar. He tells Buck about his classes, how he
    is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

    'Logic?' Buck says, 'What's that?'

    Bill says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

    'No.'

    'Then you're a queer.'
     
    michael59 and MindShaft like this.
  12. 1outof6

    1outof6 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2010
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    8
    An Irishman is applying for a job at a zoo. The manager gives him a test that has this question among others:
    "What are rabies and what can you do about it?"
    The Irishman answers:
    "Rabies are Jewish priests and there ain`t nothing you can do about it".
     
  13. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
  14. Shakinginmyshoes

    Shakinginmyshoes Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2010
    Messages:
    290
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    28
    There are too many Wangs and Wongs in the Chinatown phone book. I almost Wang the Wong number.
     
  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Happy Ending Massage...!

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
    Blueice Mark II and 1outof6 like this.
  16. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Leak in the roof



    tool safety



    DeWalt Power

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
  17. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    3,883
    Likes Received:
    3,453
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Pennsyltucky
    My husband being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so he could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big ****ing red mark on his forehead.
     
  18. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    3,883
    Likes Received:
    3,453
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Pennsyltucky
    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
     
    Blueice Mark II likes this.
  19. FoundingFathers

    FoundingFathers Founder Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2010
    Messages:
    2,737
    Likes Received:
    3,961
    Trophy Points:
    113
    A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

    Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'

    Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

    The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

    He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
    'Paint my house.'
     
    UncaScrooge likes this.
  20. UncaScrooge

    UncaScrooge Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    3
    ROTFLMAO!!! Guess I'm lucky not to be married! :) :) :)
     
  21. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    "And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women".
     

    Attached Files:

    Blueice Mark II likes this.
  22. Gcubed

    Gcubed Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    12,275
    Likes Received:
    6,655
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Possibly best joke for 2010


    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
    devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
    Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
    is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
    she writes him a check.

    Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
    got to call the USA so cheaply.

    The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
    gone to hell, so it's a local call.
     
  23. Avalon

    Avalon Lawn Protected by Guns Of Avalon Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    3,270
    Likes Received:
    3,211
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    healthcare
    Location:
    NC
    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake
    happened to end up in a man's head.

    She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

    "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

    "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice:
    "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

    Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away ..................................

    "We're down here ..."
     
    k-os and Goldhedge like this.
  24. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    You forgot..."Comon down and join the party!" :love: :banana:
     
  25. Avalon

    Avalon Lawn Protected by Guns Of Avalon Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    3,270
    Likes Received:
    3,211
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    healthcare
    Location:
    NC
    A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

    Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

    "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

    "What's so funny about that?"

    The man replied "Im a Gynecologists".
     
    Blueice Mark II likes this.
  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Free Beer Holder

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
  27. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    INTERNET DATING*IN FLORIDA

    WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO
    MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

    
FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious
    blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching
    for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white
    shoes and belt a plus.

    
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who
    has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to
    round out a six-unit plot.* Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
    not a problem.

    
SERENITY NOW: CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD :
I am into
    solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
    If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
    aids out and enjoy quiet times.

    
WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with
    original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
    corn on the cob and caramel candy.

    
BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago
I still like to rock, still like
    to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
    the guitar. *If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy
    hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

    
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can
    usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
    Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

    
IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH
Male, 1932, high mileage,
    good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee,
    cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
     
  28. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    6,609
    Likes Received:
    6,198
    Trophy Points:
    113
    GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

    A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife..

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and
    those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
     
    LukeNM likes this.
  29. Rusty Shackelford

    Rusty Shackelford Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2010
    Messages:
    5,725
    Likes Received:
    3,568
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    wastewater
    Location:
    Northern most Southern State
    Three high rise steel workers are taking their lunch break. The first guy opens his lunch and shakes his head as he pulls out a bologna sandwhich. He says "If I get one more bologna sandwich in my lunch I am going to kill myself."

    The second guy opens his lunch indisgust to find a ham sandwich. He makes a similar claim as the first guy.

    The third guy opens his lunch and decrees that he will take his life if he gets one more PBandJ sandwich.

    The next day at lunch it is Bolgna, Ham and PB& J sanwiches again. As agrred upon the three men stand up hug one another and plunge to their deaths.

    At the funeral, the wife of worker 1 and 2 were distraught and crying. "If only I had known how frustrated he was with the same old same old, then I would have mixed it up some" they both sobbed. Oddly enough the the 3rd wife showed no signs of remorse or loss.

    When the mourning wives asked how she could not be distraught over the unintentional death of her husband, the 3rd wife said "It is hard to feel sorry for him when he makes his own lunch!!"
     
  30. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    A Lesbian Cowboy

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2015
  31. UncaScrooge

    UncaScrooge Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

    So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

    He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

    "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

    "Where did it go?" says Arthur.

    "I don't remember."
     
    FoundingFathers likes this.
  32. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Quickie in the Bushes.

    There are two statues in a park;
    One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

    They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
    years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with
    a single gesture, brings the two to life.

    The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through
    a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been
    given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
    shrubbery.


    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
    care to do it again?'

    He asks her 'Shall we?'

    She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.....








    This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


    ----------------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
     
  33. Blueice Mark II

    Blueice Mark II Silver Member Silver Miner

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2010
    Messages:
    545
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    28
    ...............................
     

    Attached Files:

  34. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Erections and Aging...



    Two old farts are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
    "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't
    bend it, even using both hands."



    "By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees,
    if I tried really hard."



    "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five
    degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week,
    and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."



    "So," says the second old fart, "What's your point?"



    "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get?"
     
  35. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    6,609
    Likes Received:
    6,198
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Traffic Camera

    A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

    He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

    Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.

    He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

    You just can't fix stupid.
     
    Unclad Lad likes this.
  36. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    A couple had been married for 50 years.

    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
    the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've
    been married for 50 years."

    "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
    here at this breakfast table together."

    "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
    naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

    Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
    breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
    and the other is in your oatmeal!
     
  37. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

    After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

    His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
    I'm ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
    score."

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I
    lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman
    so he strains real hard but to no avail.

    Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has,
    but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"



    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides." :vollkommenauf:
     
  38. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Student Report Cards


    These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

    1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

    2. I would not allow this student to breed.

    3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

    4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

    5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them.

    6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
    all together.

    7. This child has been working with glue too much.

    8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

    9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

    10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
    1,000,000 others.

    12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
     
    Strawboss likes this.
  39. SilverCat

    SilverCat Seeker Seeker

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    165
    Likes Received:
    72
    Trophy Points:
    28
    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
    started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw
    his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
    doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
    The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -- "Well yeah, if that's
    what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

    So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
    called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
    back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
    minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
    horses ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
    enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass."

    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
    ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
     
  40. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    26,392
    Likes Received:
    28,487
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
    Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
    who responded:

    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
    dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
    Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
    always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"


    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River
    called Teste."


    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
    gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."


    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
    trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
    lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
    asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
    in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
    they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
    and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
    and foot. "And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
    remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
    too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
    suite at no extra charge!"


    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
    you didn't get to see the Pope."


    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a
    Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
    likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into
    his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
    enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
    shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"



    He said: "Who focked up your hair?"
     

Share This Page