Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.
joke = The world.
If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack its like you're being choked by a really weak midget. -Mitch Hedberg
I think that's Vimce Foster (seated)
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
Yeah, take the dog for a walk.
Ahmed, why is your wife walking in front of you?
Did you forget that according to the Quran, a wife has to always walk behind her husband?
– I know what Quran says. But when they wrote it, they had not invented anti-personnel mines, yet.
Do you know how to do it cowboy style?
so when you're riding your wife from the back side you lean up and whisper in her ear "this is how me and ***** do it."
then try and hang on for eight seconds.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".
This was a Fook Hing Wong thing to do.
QWAK,Classic, Love potient number 9 sindrom!
Guy walks into a bar, asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.
Bartender says, "well, I'm a blonde, and a former MMA fighter, the gal sitting next to you is the county prosecutor and she's a blonde and the gal on the other side of you is a nuclear physicist and she's a blonde, are you sure you want to be telling blonde jokes?"
Guy says, "not if I have to tell it 3 times."
Does Vagisil work on jock itch too? If so it appears the wookie needs a case of it. I understand she's hung like a horse
QWAK,An itch in time saves 9!
QWAK,the_shootist,She got crabs!
Duck, Don't insult crabs
She has LOBSTERS.
QWAK,The LOBSTERS were just "Hitching a ride!"
A Happy Ending massage...
Why are mountains so funny?
It's because they are hill areas.
So there was this woman pregnant with triplets
she was in a store when an armed robbery happened
one of the patrons had a shoot out with the robber
The exceedingly pregnant woman took three hits
the doctors delivered the babies
but could not extract the bullets from the new borns fearing for their life.
Later in life one of the girls brot a bullet to here mom and asked
"what is this mom, I just peed it out?"
This was a puzzlement but the second daughter had this happen also.
The third being a boy was laughing at his sisters.
His mom chastised him verbally that it most likely would happen to him.
he said: "Oh its ok mom, I was jacking off and killed the dog."
question: "I know bad joke but this joke is not considered porn is it?"
Don't give up your day job for a gig in standup comedy Mike!
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Second, the bouncer is a blonde girl and she has a billy club.
Third, I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.Fourth, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter and fifth, the lady to your
right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!
Valentine's Day joke:
Separate names with a comma.