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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?""No, he went with Mom and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
     
  2. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    FLORIDA: 400-POUND WOMAN SURVIVES SEXUAL ASSAULT BY HERD OF MANATEES
    February 16th, 2016 | by Bob Flanagan
    [​IMG]
    TRAGEDY

    Fort Pierce, FL | The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a Florida woman from a frightening assault by a herd of manatees yesterday near Pepper Park Beach, a popular beach in the area.


    The tourist on vacation went for a swim near 2pm in the afternoon when she was suddenly caught up by a herd of male manatees that possibly mistook the poor woman for a female manatee.

    “I was just playing around in the water when I suddenly noticed a herd of manatees next to me. At first I was curious, but eventually I became scared when they started getting agitated. Then something pulled me underwater and as I gagged for air, I felt the crushing weight of one of the beasts on my back and at that moment, I thought I was going to die” she recalls, visibly traumatized by the latest events. “It all happened in a flash, all I remember is the horrifying sight of the manatees trying to grab me and force me into submission. Luckily, a man on a jet ski caught their attention and scared them away moments before the Coast Guard rescued me,” she told local reporters.

    [​IMG]
    A herd of male manatees possibly mistook the vacationer for a female manatee, a rare phenomenon as manatees are usually shy creatures

    A bloody vaginal discharge

    The sexual assault of the herd of manatees on a human being could be explained by the menstrual cycle of the vacationer, believes Jane Keller, professor of biology at the University of South Florida.

    “When a female manatee goes into estrus, she is soon detected and pursued by numerous male manatees throughout the cycle. During that time, the female can mate with a dozen or more males in what is known as an estrus or mating herd. It is possible that the animals mistook the bloody vaginal discharge of the victim’s period as a female manatee in estrus,” she explains. “I would definitely suggest that women not go swimming during their menstrual cycle in areas where manatee mating occurs,” she warns.

    Lucky to be alive

    Tyler Smith, a 17-year-old lifeguard present during the sexual assault, believes she is lucky to be alive.

    “We often see manatees nearby but it’s the first time they attack someone,” he admits. “There were so many manatees around her, I think I counted at least 10 of them. They were all fighting against each other to get on her back and hump her, it was like a big manatee gangbang. She is definitely lucky to be alive” he acknowledges, visibly distraught by the whole affair.

    Although experts claim this is an unprecedented and isolated incident, increased security measures will be taken to prevent further occurrences of such tragic incidents, say local authorities.

    http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/florida-400-pound-woman-survives-sexual-assault-by-herd-of-manatees/
     
  3. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Newfie joke...

    Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
    both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

    When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty
    Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

    The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer
    and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave
    him $80 a week unemployment pay.

    Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel fitter."
    Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

    When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back
    into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

    The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

    "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs.

    Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
     
  4. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Welcome back
     
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  5. Agavegirl1

    Agavegirl1 Silver Miner Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    Brio, that joke is posted on the wall of our accounting office with Sven and Ole. Still a classic.
     
  6. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  7. enricopallazzo

    enricopallazzo Silver Member Silver Miner

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    Sorry but on number 26, the a-holes are the people who are blocking. Haven't you heard of zipper merging?
     
  8. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    unnamed.jpg
     
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  9. Unca Walt

    Unca Walt Midas Member Midas Member

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    Sorry but on number 26, the a-holes are the people who are blocking. Haven't you heard of zipper merging?

    When the "zipper" has seventy-four cars on the left, and ONE on the right (that just pulled OUT of the left and zoomed up)...

    That zipper gits replaced with Velcro. STAT.
     
  10. enricopallazzo

    enricopallazzo Silver Member Silver Miner

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    That's the problem. All cars should pull out and fill the lanes. Otherwise, you get a long lineup. Only Germans and Minnesotans get this.

    http://www.ozy.com/immodest-proposal/german-roads-are-smarter-than-yours/60839
     
  11. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
    1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .
    2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .[]
    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.[]
    10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.[]
    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
    18 Procrastinate Now![]
    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
    24 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music .
    28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
     
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  12. silverwood

    silverwood Silver Member Silver Miner

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    I think my dog is a democrat!
     
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  13. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Ever notice how men are like basketball players??


    They always dribble before they shoot...
     
  14. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    20160322_mil.jpg
     
  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    For Irons

     
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  16. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    When you are over seventy.....

    I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"
    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
    Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy...............who cares?

    **********

    Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

    ***********
    I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
    Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

    **********

    I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

    ***********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

    ***********

    I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
    I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
     
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  17. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    12417563_1768967440002725_7309364248313130625_n.jpg
     
  18. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    cat picture.png
     
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  19. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    homeboy.jpg
     
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  20. Unca Walt

    Unca Walt Midas Member Midas Member

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    That dumbass. He has the magazine facing the wrong way.
     
  21. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    I think it is the wrong magazine for that revolver. What else... Finger on the trigger and not watching where he is pointing it. There should be a PSA about texting while shooting.
     
  22. GOLD DUCK

    GOLD DUCK Mother Lode Found Mother Lode

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    QWAK,Unca Walt,How many REVOLVERS use a magazine? :belly laugh::dduck:

    the DUCK :winks2:
     
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  23. Unca Walt

    Unca Walt Midas Member Midas Member

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    Ahhh... that wuz my point, duckie.

    He is SO stoopid, he gets is so wrong... even duckie saw it.
     
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  24. GOLD DUCK

    GOLD DUCK Mother Lode Found Mother Lode

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  25. erocktxmade

    erocktxmade New Member

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    1. Seen on the wall directly above the men's urinal:
    What are you looking up here for? The joke's in your hand...

    2. How do you keep a moron in suspense?
     
  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    It's the thought that counts...


     
  27. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?”

    The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.”

    The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?”

    The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a fucking brick wall.”
     
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  28. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    12961660_10207334298410638_2538126743550147877_n.jpg
     
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  29. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
    Signed,
    Desperate

    Dear Desperate,
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

    Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
    Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
    In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
    Good Luck!
    Tech support
     
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  30. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, HuntingAndFishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

    Thanks ...Troubled User
    -------
    REPLY:

    Dear Troubled User:
    This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 installed and work on improving the configuration. I suggest installing the background application YesDear 99.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to do this before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanAndSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0, but beware because sometimes these applications can be expensive.

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    WARNING!!! Attempting to install NewGirlFriend 8.8 along with Wife 1.0 will crash the system.

    (see Wife 1.0 manual, Apologize, High Maintenance & Secretary with Short Skirt)
     
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  31. earplugs

    earplugs Gold Chaser Platinum Bling

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    The super shemitah

     
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  32. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
    The robot slaps the son.
    The son says, "OK, OK, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."
    Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.
    Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.

    The robot is for sale
     
  33. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  34. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Until fall in love.jpg
     
  35. Howdy

    Howdy Silver Member Silver Miner

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    LOL! Four things make your mind turn to mush: Falling in love, getting a woody, feeling guilty or thinking you might get something for nothing.
     
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  36. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    What do you call a camel with no hump?

    Humphrey.
     
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  37. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

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    Oh darn, I get it now..... Yes that's why she called me Humphrey....shucks.
     
  38. Rusty Shackelford

    Rusty Shackelford Midas Member Midas Member

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    What does the Mexican take Paxil??

    Hispanic Attacks..
     
  39. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    High School math funny
    Dear Algebra.jpg
     
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  40. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    If a king runs a kingdom and an emperor runs an empire, then who runs a country?
     
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