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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. tradeshack

    tradeshack Seeker Seeker

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    Goldman Sachs




    .
     
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  2. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Why Hillary of course.
     
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  3. arminius

    arminius Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    country music.jpg

    the best way for em to distress up this country further.

    that's why you know it's going to happen...
     
  4. ArkWv

    ArkWv Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    lol, we'll soon find out.
     
  5. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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  6. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Three nuns are sitting on a part bench.

    A man comes up and exposes himself two them.


    A: Two nuns have a stroke, the third couldn't reach.
     
  7. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    This one is more about why we don’t want Hillary.

    I think this sums it up well!

    Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says,

    "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."
    Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
    Trump: "No the other one:"
    Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
    Trump: "No, the other one."
    Hillary: “You means taking the $145,000,000.00 from Putin for the Uranium Bribe ? “
    Trump : “ No the other one .”
    Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"

    Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".
    **********

    Everything above is true. Yet she still gets the Democratic votes. Could there be that many stupid people in this country?

    Does anyone understand this? If not, I think we're doomed!
     
  8. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    image.jpeg
     
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  9. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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  10. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

    The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

    "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

    "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
     
  11. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Orange County Friends Meeting
    Religious Society of Friends (Quakers)

    Irvine, California

    Quaker Oats threatens to sue us
    Dear Mr. William Lovett:
    I am the attorney at the Quaker Oats Company responsible for trademark matters. As you probably know, our company manufactures numerous food products, the most famous of which is oatmeal. In addition to having used the Quaker Oats name as our company name for close to 100 years, we have registered the Quaker name as a trademark.

    It was therefore quite a surprise to discover that you are operating a business under the name "Quaker Oats Christmas Tree Farm." Your use of our trademark is likely to mislead consumers into believing that your business is associated with the Quaker Oats Company. It is also likely to weaken our very strong trademark. In light of the foregoing, we hereby demand that you immediately stop all use of the "Quaker Oats" name…. While we would like to settle this matter amicably, we will take all steps which are necessary and appropriate to protect our name.

    Sincerely
    Janet L. Silverberg, counsel

    Dear Janet Silverberg:
    My breakfast this morning—rolled oats by the way—was interrupted by the arrival of your letter via FedEx, which was delivered to us despite the fact that you have misspelled our company name which is Quaker OAKS Christmas Tree Farm. Our farm was so named because religious services were held outdoors on this farm under a great oak tree until about ten years ago when we were able to move into our new Meetinghouse on another corner of our farm.

    Our business is 100% owned and operated by Quakers. I suspect that your firm employs considerably fewer, if any, Quakers. We trace our Quaker ancestors back 320 years and they were mostly farmers, but I don’t know how many of them grew oats for your company. My guess is that you may be selling far more Lutheran oats, Methodist oats, or maybe atheist oats. Could your company be guilty of product source misrepresentation?

    We don’t know why you choose to associate your commercial products with our faith, but we supposed you feel there is some marketing value from it. If you were selling machine guns, roulette wheels or some other product offensive to our Quaker faith, we would be upset by the association, but since we find your products wholesome and enjoyable, we consider your use of our name a compliment. We invite you to visit our farm to verify that we are indeed Quaker Oaks Christmas Tree Farm. If you come in December, we’d be happy to sell you a tree!

    Sincerely,
    William Lovett,
    Visalia, California

    http://orangecountyquakers.org/quakers/general/notso/sue_us.htm
     
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  12. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    image025.jpg image020.jpg image018.jpg image010.jpg image004.jpg image002.jpg
     
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  13. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    For the wheel of fortune ... it can't be Air .. the I has already been used.
     
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  14. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  15. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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  16. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    fa067fdc5a78a77f7ab826426785ac62.jpg bf088670434527c4d6659d5572af5189.jpg d0209fb8e86737c086396f778b19cff9.jpg d69d90a1860761f0262726abaa342f7b.jpg 10f544d99b13adbb5d833ba052835687.jpg 45b766f655d3f5ffb764368d64fde9aa.jpg e8797fd5e6015594dcf884418a3267ea.jpg b601b8337343d432ebc791caad525521.jpg ]
     
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  17. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    Angry girl quickly poses for picture opportunity.

     
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  18. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Simple things....



    :rotf:
     
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  19. GOLD DUCK

    GOLD DUCK Mother Lode Found Mother Lode

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    QWAK<BETTER than a HORSE HEAD!!!:belly laugh::thumbs up 2:

    the DUCK :winks2:
     
  20. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    If I wanted to watch Michelle Obama I'd turn on Fix News ;)
     
  21. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    monica.jpg
     
  22. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    image.jpeg
     
  23. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    Hillary , Campaigning in California last week, Stopped at a public middle school in San Diego. She was quickly taken to a seventh grade class to allow the students to ask her a few questions. The teacher of the class proudly announced , This is Hillary Clinton the next President of the United States and she would be honored of some of you were to ask her a few questions. Very quickly a hand went up in the front of the class, And Hillary proudly asked him for his question. The Student responded with , My name is Kennith and I have three questions.

    1. Were did the missing 6 billion dollars go that the State Dept Lost on your watch

    2. What did you do to save our men in Benghazi

    3. Why did you set up an illegal server to handle Govt Business.

    Just then the recess bell rang and everyone walked out of the class room. Upon their return, Hillary again asked for someone to ask her a question. Immediately a hand from the back of the class went up, My name is Johnny and I only have two questions

    1. Why was the recess bell ten minutes early

    2. Where in the heck is KENNY?
     
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  24. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 5.06.10 PM.png

    Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 5.11.00 PM.png
     
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  25. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
    goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

    [​IMG]

    Here’s what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    “Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

    “Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

    “What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

    I was equally outraged.

    “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

    “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    “No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

    “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth..”

    “Oh, gross!” they shrieked

    “Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

    “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

    “Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

    “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    “Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

    “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.”

    “Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

    “I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    “What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

    “Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

    “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    “So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

    “Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    “What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. ‘”t’s just .that . .I’m picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . ”
    She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    “That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    “I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

    “Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

    Lizards lay eggs!
     
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  26. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    image.jpeg
     
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  27. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    image.jpeg
     
  28. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  29. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    She hid under the bed to see if her man was cheating, but she wasn’t ready to hear THIS

    The spark seemed to dim. Her relationship wasn’t that firework display it once was. So she comes up with what she believes is an amazing idea. How would her boyfriend react if she left him, and what would be his view on how she felt about him? These are the questions she wanted to get answers to.

    So, she proceeds to write her boyfriend a letter, stating that the relationship is now over. She simply did not see any point in continuing their relationship. She actually did not want to leave him. She was just after an idea of how he would react upon learning this news.

    She completed the letter, then put in on her boyfriends desk. In order to see his raw reaction, she ended up hiding under his bed, waiting for him to come home. He would see the letter and then she could witness the reaction first hand.

    Her boyfriend arrives. She nervously hid, as the tension built. He would soon see the letter, and read it.

    Once he entered the room, he did notice the letter and immediately started reading it. When he finished it, the girlfriend became shocked. Rather than crying, the boyfriend was whistling. He then immediately picked up his phone. She was beside herself, floored at what was happening, yet kept still so she could hear the conversation on the phone, that went like this:

    “Hello darling, I’m coming over. The dummy finally got the drift that I’ve been cheating. She’s finally left. What a mistake, that relationship. I’m so happy to be free of her. I wish I’d met you earlier. See you soon!”

    Now the woman was completely stunned. How in the world? She simply hid still in complete shock for the next few minutes, while her boyfriend gathered a few things together. As soon as the boyfriend left, she began crying. She slowly came out of her hiding spot, devastated.

    She finally calmed herself a bit and looked around the room. She noticed another letter on the desk. This one was actually from her boyfriend, and it was addressed to her. She immediately grabbed it and began reading. Then her tears turned to shame. What an idiot she was, she kept thinking to herself.

    Here’s what the letter read:

    “You buffoon, next time you want to trick me, make sure your feet aren’t hanging out from under the bed. Just gone to the store. See you soon Love.”


    Read more at http://americangg.net/joke-hid-under-bed/#rvrSLgA513HRmIWR.99
     
  30. Traderjoe

    Traderjoe Silver Member Silver Miner

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  31. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  32. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”

    “Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me’n the Ole Lady been Having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
     
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  33. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get to the idiot's house.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "knock knock"
    "who's there?





    .The chicken.
     
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  34. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

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    20 years logging
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    on the low side of corporate Oregon
    Priceless, just .....k. good one....
     
  35. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  36. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  37. lighthousekeeper73

    lighthousekeeper73 Silver Member Silver Miner

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    putin.gif
    Putin on the Ritz
     
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  38. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Texas Declares War on the USA ONLY IN TEXAS ????

    President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
    "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This
    is Archie, down here at Goliad Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that
    we are officially declaring war on ya!"

    "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

    Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
    army waiting to move on my command."

    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor."

    President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

    Sure enough, Archie rang again about twenty minutes later.. " President
    Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne!
    We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
    the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

    Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you
    Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

    "Well, crap," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."

    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am
    sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
    chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we
    can feed two million prisoners.."

    TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
     
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  39. Ishkabibble

    Ishkabibble Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

    Hillary replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?….Show me!”

    So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY, and there was happiness throughout the land!
     
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  40. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

    "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

    "No, I've been transferred to Detroit. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

    Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

    The guy relaxed and stopped shaking, and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

    "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
     
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