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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Alton

    Alton Gold Member Gold Chaser

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  2. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

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    Definition of liberal:
    So open minded their brains fall out.
     
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  3. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

    Dear Mrs. Woolf,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
    minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
    employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
    chips.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
    children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
    blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
    obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
    crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
    Emergency Medics were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
    asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
    humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
    through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
    here.' One of the Staff passed out.
     
  4. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    image.jpeg
     
  6. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Never thought I would say this it's 100% politically incorrect and will prob get unfriended by a few, but if Hillary wins what will we be getting?

    ....just another bush in the Whitehouse .
     
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  7. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    ...and this one will smell like bad fish!
     
  8. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Seriously ... why do I even eat anymore.
     
  9. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    I can make you all speak Irish and sound just like a local.

    Say this fast and loud: "Whale oil beef hooked."
     
  10. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    ^^^

    If Clinton wins
     
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  11. brosil

    brosil Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    I was wearing my Hillary for Prison shirt at the grocery store and the young clerk complimented me on it. He said he thought she would be the first f president. He would have said female but he deleted the emale.
     
  12. Scald

    Scald Tungsten collector Silver Miner

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    Looks like Common Core is catching on!
     
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  13. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    Lemon Picker

    Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.


    Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"


    "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and I voted twice for Obama."


    She starts work in the morning...


    [​IMG]
     
  14. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator...: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
    expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
     
  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-08-23 at 11.41.49 PM.png
     
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  16. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. Unca Walt

    Unca Walt Midas Member Midas Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Usury

    Usury Gold Chaser Platinum Bling

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    Walt, I'm not sure what's "funny" about that...
     
  19. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    It is a totally skewed chart, using murders per 1 million of the MURDERS race in the US. The population of the US is not homogeneous, so it isn't likely that any blacks will be killed by anyone in Montana, Idaho, N Dak., S Dak, Minn., Maine...., but I'm certain there will be a few whites killed by whites there because the population is predominantly white.
    Using the victim as the population shows a different picture, I just don't have it with me right now.

    Victom offender murders
    white white 2500
    black black 2200
    white black 409
    black white 189
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  20. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
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  21. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Honk if you're horny
     
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  22. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    I hope he enjoyed his walk home. He sure wouldn't be getting back in with me
     
  23. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Saw my buddy Joe last week, with yet another new wife

    Said Damn Joe what happened to Sue?

    He says I thought she was smart but found out she thought cooking and fucking were two cities in China
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2016
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  24. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    "What do Hitlery Clinton and WTC 7 have in common?



    They both collapse for no reason." Patrick Henry
     
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  25. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

    "So, you're a politician..."

    "Well, yes, is that a problem?"

    "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

    "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

    "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.

    "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"

    "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.

    Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."

    Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

    "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.

    So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

    Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.

    "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."

    "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

    The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

    "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
     
  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

    Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

    Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

    Hot Dang...Safe at last. Isn’t this country great or what.. .
     
  27. Ishkabibble

    Ishkabibble Gold Member Gold Chaser

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  28. ArkWv

    ArkWv Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    upload_2016-9-24_7-52-52.png
     
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  29. <===Foolsgold

    <===Foolsgold Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    [​IMG]
     
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  30. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    ice_mocha.png
     
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  31. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Steak.png
     
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  32. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Why English Teachers Die Young...
    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15.They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    18.Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19.Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20.The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    24.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    25.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

    27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
     
  33. SilverCity

    SilverCity Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    those are brilliant, actually

    SC
     
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  34. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    This is better! :beer:

     
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  35. SilverCity

    SilverCity Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    And another fine mess you've gotten us into Hillary...

    SC
     
  36. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  37. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Momma said; "Men are like hardwood floors, if you lay them right, you can walk all over them for 30 years!"
     
  38. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Mohammed and Habib are panhandlers... They panhandle in different areas of Berlin.
    Habib panhandles just as long as Mohammed ....but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
    Mohammed brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
    Habib says to Mohammed "I work just as long and hard as you do ... but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
    Mohammed says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
    Habib's sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
    Mohammed says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars!"
    Habib says to Mohammed "So what does your sign say?"
    Mohammed shows Habib his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Algeria ..."
     
  39. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    There's an annual contest at Bond University , Australia , calling for

    the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

    This year's chosen term was "political correctness".

    The winning student wrote :

    "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and

    promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that

    it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
     
  40. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-10-21 at 11.28.44 PM.png
     
    Son of Gloin and Ensoniq like this.

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