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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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    "Everyone knows the elections are rigged.." I think you will realize our job here on GIM is done after you see Tom Hanks play "deplorable Trump supporter" on Black Jeopardy. America gets it.



    "Redneck" Hanks calls out the Illuminati for rigging the elections and the BS thumbprints on new iPhones, "for your protection". What a classic.
     
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  2. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Not really a joke...

    A ship engine failed, no one could fix it.
    Then they brought in a man with 40 yrs. on the job.
    He inspected the engine carefully, top to bottom.
    After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.
    He gently tapped something.
    Instantly, the engine lurched into life.
    The engine was fixed!
    7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k.
    'What?!' the owners said
    'You hardly did anything.
    Send us an itemized bill.
    ” the reply simply said Tapping with a hammer. $2
    Knowing where to tap? $9,998
    Don't Ever Underestimate Experience.
     
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  3. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  4. ArkWv

    ArkWv Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    [​IMG][/img]
     

    Attached Files:

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  5. 90%RealMoney

    90%RealMoney Midas Member Midas Member

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    The Wilford Brimley Cat
     
  6. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A Wisconsin winter statistic

    98% OF AMERICANS SAY "OH S***" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

    THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
     
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  7. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    There once was a Congressman named Weiner
    Who had a perverted demeanor,
    He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill,
    Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

    And the moral is,

    You Tweet your meat, you lose your seat.
     
  8. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Rock.jpg
     
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  9. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help.

    He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead! What do I do!?"

    "Calm down", the operator says, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

    The phone goes silent, for a second. Then the operator hears a gunshot.

    "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
     
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  10. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  11. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

    The small guy faints!

    The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

    The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says,
    "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said, 'Turn around.'"
     
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  12. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    At big event this guy is carrying two plates of food from the buffet- one for his girl-friend and one for himself. As they enter the large hall to sit at a long table, everyone looks up and starts moving their chairs to make room for the couple to sit. At the same time the girl says, "Honey, give me the keys to the car, I need to get something."
    He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
    Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
    He replies, "Feel a little deeper and you will feel NUTS!"
     
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  13. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Trump and the pope were out deep sea fishing, a strong wind out of the South blew the Pope's hat off and it landed 30 yards from the boat. Trump jumped over the starboard side of the boat and walked out to retrieve the hat. The following day, CNN headline news special report...... Trump can't swim.
     
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  14. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    seagulls.png
     
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  16. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-11-18 at 4.57.51 PM.png
     
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  17. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    What happens when your Roomba finds a Turd


    [​IMG]
    Jesse and his son

    So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It's taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough - something that's probably happened to most of you.

    Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she's done this, so it's probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective's mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?

    Why, friends, that's because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.

    If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you.

    Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

    It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.

    Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you'll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you'll walk into the living room. And you'll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you'll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything's okay. Like it's proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

    And then the horror. Oh the horror.

    So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don't bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what's coming. It's inevitable, and it's coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you're not one of those people - you can't go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.

    So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn't just on your hands - it's smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that "whirlllllllllllllllll-boop-hisssssssss" noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet. More on that later.

    Oh, and you're not just using profanity - you're inventing new types of profanity. You're saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there's no way he's not ending up in prison.

    Then you get out the carpet shampooer. When you push it up to the rug - the rug that started it all - the shampooer just laughs at you. Because that rug is going in the trash, folks. But you shampoo it anyway, because your wife loved that damn rug, and you know she'll ask if you tried to clean it first.

    Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.

    And then, because it's 6am, you go to bed. Let's finish this tomorrow, right?

    [​IMG]

    The next day, you finish taking the Roomba apart, scraping out all the tiny flecks of poop, and after watching a few Youtube instructional videos, you remove the motherboard to wash it with a toothbrush. Then you bake it in the oven to dry. You put it all back together, and of course it doesn't work. Because you heard the "whirlllllllllllllll-boop-hissssssss" noise when it died its poopy death in the bathtub. But you hoped that maybe the Roomba gods would have mercy on you.

    But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn $400 Roomba without spending $400 again - including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries - you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it's for life, and it's for any reason.

    So I called them and told the truth. My Roomba found dog poop and almost precipitated World War III.

    And you know what they did? They offered to replace it. Yes, folks. They are replacing the Roomba that ran over dog poop and then died a poopy, watery death in the bathtub - by no fault of their own, of course.

    So, mad props to Hammacher Schlemmer. If you're buying anything expensive, and they sell it, I recommend buying it from them. And remember - don't let your Roomba run over dog poop.

    -------------------------------------
    Edit 1:

    If you want more of this stuff, I have a Facebook page now:

    https://www.facebook.com/pooptastrophist/

    -------------------------------------
    Edit 2:

    We also want to point out that iRobot and Hammacher Schlemmer have been extremely gracious and generous in their responses to this ordeal. We love our Roomba and can't wait to get it back!

    We also really appreciate the other companies that have reached out to make this an even more amazing experience - including Merry Maids and Clorox (do you see the common theme?)

    Oh, and if you like cool guitars, here's a shameless plug!
    http://www.boutiqueguitarshop.com/
     
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  18. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  19. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-11-26 at 1.09.03 AM.png
     
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  20. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-11-26 at 7.39.48 PM.png
     
  21. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2016-11-26 at 11.24.50 AM.png
     
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  22. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    unnamed.jpg
     
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  23. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Bob and the Blond


    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.




    The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.




    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"




    Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."




    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."




    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"




    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.




    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."




    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."




    The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."




    Bob took the money...
     
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  24. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly
    noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called
    him on the mobile.

    The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

    He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell
    in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said
    that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...
    "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

    "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
     
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  25. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Everything is political

    The whole freaking ocean full of fish and the lib sea lions would rather jump on a moving boat to beg

     
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  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    MTV gives New Years resolutions to white males to help stop them from being sexist, racist, xenophobic, mysoginistic, homophobic, transphobic, and bigoted.

     
  27. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    OMG the snowflake generation is insufferable. I can't wait till the lot of them has to fend for themselves

    There's no,logical discourse. One has to start with just suck my c^%*
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  28. TAEZZAR

    TAEZZAR LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH Midas Member Site Supporter

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    THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


    1: I prefer breasts to legs.

    2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

    3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

    4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

    5: I've never seen a better spread!

    6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

    7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

    8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

    9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

    10: Don't play with your meat!

    11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

    12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

    13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

    14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

    15: How long will it take after you put it in?

    16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

    17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

    18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

    19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

    20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
     
  29. Fjpod

    Fjpod Silver Member Silver Miner

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    I was called a snowflake on here today. I am 62 years old. Run my own business. There's no logical way to talk to you guys.
     
  30. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Snowflake, deplorable, millennial ... far too much name calling.
     
  31. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    I was talking about the snowflakes in the white people resolution video. I don't know you and wasn't referring to you

    Did you watch that video and have a different reaction?

    Serious question
     
  32. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    If I have a choice I prefer to be called Hemorrhoid cause I irritate assholes.
     
  33. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  34. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Two women go out one night without their husbands.

    They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.

    On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:

    "Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?"

    The other looks at her and replies "I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?"

    "Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there."


    "Yes, but how are we going to wipe?"

    "I'm just going to use my underwear and throw it out."

    Her friend however, was wearing her favorite (and rather expensive knickers) and didn't want to ruin them. So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.
    And so they went home.

    The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.

    "Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear."

    "Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her butt and on the ribbon it was written: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
     
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  35. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    funeral director.jpg
     
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  36. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  37. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  38. TAEZZAR

    TAEZZAR LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH Midas Member Site Supporter

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  39. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  40. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    witty put-downs and criticism of people who deserve it

    insulting insults


    Let others know what you REALLY think of them!

    A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.

    A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

    A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

    A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

    After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

    All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

    All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

    Alone: In bad company.

    And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

    Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.

    Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

    Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

    Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

    Are you brain-dead?

    Are your parents siblings?

    As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

    As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~

    As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~

    At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

    Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

    Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

    Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.

    Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

    Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

    Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?

    Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

    Converse with any plankton lately?

    Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

    Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

    Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

    Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

    Did your parents have any children that lived?

    Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

    Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

    Do you want do die stupid?

    Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

    Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

    Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

    Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

    Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

    Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

    Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.

    Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

    Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

    Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

    Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

    Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

    Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

    Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

    Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

    Excellent time to become a missing person.

    Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.

    For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

    Forgot to pay his brain bill.

    Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

    Go fart peas at the moon !!

    Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

    Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

    Has the IQ of lint.

    Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

    He can open his mail with that nose!

    He can think without moving his lips!

    He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.

    He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.

    He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"

    He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

    He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!

    He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

    He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.

    He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

    He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.

    He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

    He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

    He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

    He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.

    He is so short his hair smell like feet

    He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

    He is so old that his blood type was discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~

    He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

    He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

    He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.

    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

    Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

    He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.

    Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!

    Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

    He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.

    He's just visiting this planet.

    He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

    He's so dense that light bends around him.

    He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

    He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.

    He's the first in his family born without a tail.

    He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.

    He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.

    Hey, act your age -- senile!

    Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

    Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

    Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

    His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

    His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.

    His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.

    His suitcase doesn't have a handle.

    How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

    How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?

    I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!

    I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

    I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

    I bet your mother has a loud bark!

    I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

    I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)

    I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!

    I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?

    I certainly hope you are sterile.

    I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

    I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

    I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

    I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

    I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

    I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

    I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.

    I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

    I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

    I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

    I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!

    I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

    I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.

    I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.

    I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

    I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

    I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

    I heard that your brother was an only child.

    I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

    I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

    I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

    I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

    I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

    I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

    I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

    I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

    I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

    I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!

    I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

    I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!

    I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

    I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

    I worship the ground that awaits you.

    I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

    I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.

    I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

    I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!

    I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!

    I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part.

    I'd like to have the spitting concession his grave.

    I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

    I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

    I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)

    I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

    I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.

    I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare three seconds!

    If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.

    If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

    If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

    If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

    If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

    If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.

    If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

    If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

    If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

    If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

    If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

    If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.

    If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

    If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.

    If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!

    If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

    If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

    If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people ride you.

    If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

    If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

    If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

    If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.

    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

    If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

    If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

    If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.

    Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

    I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

    I'm blonde, what's your excuse?

    I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

    I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

    I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

    I'm not as dumb as you look.

    In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.

    Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

    Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

    It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

    It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black.

    You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.

    You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.

    Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.
     
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