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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

    I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

    I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

    I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

    I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

    I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

    Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.

    Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

    Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

    Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

    Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

    Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

    Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

    Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

    Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

    Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

    Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

    Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

    Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

    No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

    Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.

    Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

    Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

    Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

    Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

    People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

    People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.

    People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.

    People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

    Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

    She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!

    She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.

    She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.

    She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.

    She was another one of his near Mrs.

    She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid across the country.

    She's got a body that won't quit and a brain that won't start.

    She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book.

    She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

    She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.

    She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

    Sit down and give your mind a rest.

    Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.

    So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.

    So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

    So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

    Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

    Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.

    Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

    Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.

    Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!

    Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right train.

    Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

    Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said, 'oh yes she is.'

    Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

    Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

    Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little early for Halloween?

    Talk is cheap, but so are you.

    That's a very meaty question and I'd like to give it a very meaty answer -baloney!

    The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.

    The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

    The going got weird and he turned pro.

    The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

    The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

    The only thing he brought to this job was his car.

    The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

    The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

    The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

    The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

    There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.

    There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

    There is no vaccine against stupidity.

    They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.

    They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

    They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

    They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it's between your ears!

    They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.

    They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

    They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you.

    They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.

    Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from "Lost In Space"

    This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

    Too bad stupidity isn't painful.

    We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

    We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.

    We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

    We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!

    We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

    We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

    We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

    Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.

    What color is the sky in your world?

    What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

    Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

    Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.

    What's the latest dope - besides you?

    When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

    When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

    When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

    When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

    When you feel terrific, notify your face.

    When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

    When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

    When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.

    When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

    When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

    Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

    Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

    With a mind like yours, who needs a body?

    Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.

    Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

    Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

    You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

    You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.

    You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

    You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

    You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

    You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

    You are no longer beneath my contempt.

    You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!

    You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

    You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

    You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

    You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.

    You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jaywalking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

    You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car

    You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is. (Thanks, Erin and Justin Keller)

    You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

    You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.

    You don't sweat much, for a fat girl.

    You grow on people - like a wart!

    You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!

    You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!

    You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

    You have a speech impediment ... your foot.

    You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?

    You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

    You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

    You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.

    You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

    You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

    You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

    You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

    You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

    You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.

    You should be the poster child for birth control.

    You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

    You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

    You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

    You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

    You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

    You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

    You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

    You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

    Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

    Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.

    Your family tree is good but you are the sap.

    Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

    Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.

    Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.

    You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.

    You're acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would.

    You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.

    You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

    You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

    You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.

    You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.

    You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.

    You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.

    You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.

    You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.

    You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.

    You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!

    You're so old you drove a chariot to school.

    You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."

    You're so small, you pose for trophies.

    You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

    You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!

    You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.

    You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.

    You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.

    You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.

    You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.

    You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.

    You're so ugly, when you walk into taco bell, EVERYONE runs for the border!

    You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

    You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

    You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
     
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  2. TAEZZAR

    TAEZZAR LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH Midas Member Site Supporter

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    More TRUE than funny, but that is what makes it so funny !!

    Peacefull Mayberry!



    The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married.
    Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen,
    Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single.
    The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk..
     
  3. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Around half an hour later, and just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"


    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."


    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

    With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
     
  4. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Always be careful about what you wish for - you might just get it!

    Tattoo.jpg
     
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  5. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Love British humor

    Real housewives if ISIS

    Does this suited vest make me look fat

     
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  6. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    images-4.jpeg
     
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  7. TAEZZAR

    TAEZZAR LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH Midas Member Site Supporter

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    This would be funny, if it wasn't so freeeeeking true !!!!


    liberal-logic.jpg
     
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  8. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  9. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-01-11 at 9.33.17 AM.png
     
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  10. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix

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    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
    The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

    She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why - For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football and two 6 packs of beer in the front seat.

    A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

    She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four agitated young men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.
     
  11. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  12. TAEZZAR

    TAEZZAR LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH Midas Member Site Supporter

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  13. Brio

    Brio Midas Member Midas Member

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    Georgie peorgie puddin and pie
    kissed the girls and made them cry,
    when the boys came out to play
    he kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
     
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  14. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    LANGUAGE

     
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  15. Usury

    Usury Gold Chaser Platinum Bling

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    Wouldn't that make him bi?
     
  16. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

    1.This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
    3. This is how cat.
    4. This is to cat.
    5. This is keep cat.
    6. This is an cat.
    7. This is old cat.
    8. This is fart cat.
    9. This is busy cat.
    10. This is for cat.
    11. This is forty cat.
    12. This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
     
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  17. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Yes. It was stupid. Grammar and spelling errors jar me terribly, and I usually stop right there and try to figure out what the HELL the author meant. Often, the author used the wrong words that sounded similar to the correct words. DAMMIT! I read words. I do NOT sound them out! Sound is for talking. Reading is visual, and I do NOT sound them out.
     
  18. the_shootist

    the_shootist I self identify as a black '69 Camaro Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    It's a joke!
     
  19. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Okay. I don't get why it is funny. Usually a joke sets up one expectation and then replaces it with another equally (or more) valid answer. The humor is in the surprise. Always. A joke must have surprise. This list was not funny.
     
  20. the_shootist

    the_shootist I self identify as a black '69 Camaro Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
     
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  21. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Well, I've gotten a LOT more than 40 seconds of fun out of this!
     
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  22. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Turn off the audio, and read the captions.

     
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  23. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    You will not believe what just happened...

    I was fueling up the van at the Jr. Foods on Louisville road and noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while fueling her car.

    I suddenly heard someone screaming.

    I looked over and that woman's arm was on fire!
    She was tossing and waving her arm around and just going crazy!

    I ran over just in time to witness the officers throw her on the ground and extinguish the fire.

    By the time I got to them to offer assistance they had already cuffed her and were about to put her in the police car.

    I asked them what they were arresting her for, figuring that catching her arm on fire would be punishment enough and the one looked me dead in my eye and said ..


    "For waving a firearm!"
     
  24. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She looked at him and asked "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Troopers Ball". He replied "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
     
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  25. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    FullSizeRender 3.jpg
     
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  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Top This One For A Speeding Ticket In Kingsville, Texas

    Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas.

    One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.

    The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

    The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off

    Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.

    Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

    The reply came back in true USMC style:

    “Thank you for your letter . . .

    “You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.”

    “Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment’s location.”

    “Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville.”

    “The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.”

    “Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose.

    Also, the snap is broken on his holster.”

    CIGA Semper Fi
     
  27. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Homeland security blues

     
  28. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    V day.jpg
     
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  29. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter

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    lame

    Fuck ... it's a binary joke too.
     
  30. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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    I don't care who you are, this shite is funny...


    Sean Spicer Press Conference


    It's gonna be a long work week if we don't light up,, emm,, lighten up a bit, chill pill. It's all good.
     
  31. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    shit.jpg
     
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  32. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Mary Jo and Ted were driving the hotel when Mary Jo dropped the bomb

    Senator Ted I'm pregnant what are we going to do

    Kennedy, "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"
     
  33. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix

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    When I was born, I was black,
    When I grew up, I was black,
    When I went in the sun, I stayed black,
    When I got cold, I was black,
    When I was scared, I was black,
    When I was sick, I was black,
    And when I die, I'll still be black.

    Now, you 'white' folks......

    When you're born, you're pink,
    When you grow-up, you're white,
    When you go in the sun, you get red,
    When you're cold, you turn blue,
    When you're scared, you're yellow,
    When you get sick, you're green
    When you bruise, you turn purple,
    And when you die, you look grey.

    So why y'all be callin' us Colored folks?
     
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  34. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Math joke of the day.
    [​IMG]
     
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  35. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

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    That is as bad as my goose joke.

    Moma goose tells papa goose "my end stinks tell me it is time to head south."
    Papa goose tells moms goose "my end stinks tell me it is time to head south also."
    Baby goose says "my instincts don't tell me noth'n."

    Darn.....did I screw that up?
     
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  36. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    I don't know about the snow sounds good part, but I hear the rest ALL the time!

    Weatherman.jpg
     
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  37. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    My name is Snow, John Snow.
    [​IMG]
     
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  38. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Ruff day.jpg
     
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  39. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix

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    With all due respect to our intention here, but this might be the joke of the year.
    syriacontrolmap.jpg
    And we're gonna jump in here?

    BF
     
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  40. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    ^^

    Agreed! It was. Six sided war before we showed up
     

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