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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    This guy will fit in well here. Let's save the handle Doubter Dog for him.

    dog.jpg
     
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  2. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    crazy_women.png
     
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  3. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    This well describes the founding of Congress

    A bag full of dicks
     
  4. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Silver Miner

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    My wife and I were watching a program on TV where they were discussing mixed emotions. So I said to my wife, “that’s a bunch of BS, how can you have ‘mixed emotions’ over something? I bet you can’t tell me one thing that would make me happy and sad at the same time.”
    My wife looks at me for a minute and says, “OK, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.”
     
  5. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Psychiatrist " what brings you here today ? "

    Patient " Well the government thinks I'm crazy "

    Psychiatrist " " Why do you think they say that ? "

    Patient " Well .... okay where do I start ? let's see .... I see people blindly going through life following orders from and paying extortionist taxes to a government who poisons their air, food and water.

    I watched three massive skyscrapers fall to the ground in around 30 seconds on september 11'th 2001 and I know that is impossible without explosives yet people accept the governments silly account of that day and excuses of planes that can't even penetrate steel and concrete buildings to begin with causing those building to completely explode using jet fuel that doesn't burn hot enough to to even soften steel.

    I watch planes leaving trails in the sky that last all day and create a cloud that leaves a grey haze everyday that hides the life giving sun.

    I watch the police beating people up and sending them to jail for years for using cannabis while pedophiles and rapists get a slap on the wrist and get told they have a disorder and should be helped.

    I see people going into these large buildings where they listen to and then pay people, who do nothing, their hard earned money who worship imaginary friends.

    I watch people brushing their teeth with a known poison and they do it without wondering why this would be a stupid thing to do ?

    I get angry when I see people using doctor prescribed cancer causing chemicals in their natural bodies and then when the doctor tells them they have cancer they use more to try to cure the cancers caused by those chemicals.

    I see people watching TV and every commercial is selling those chemicals or some other form of poison, between shows that promote violence, perversion, and unattainable life expectancy's.

    I see people working two jobs to survive while the people in government do nothing and get rich by taxing everyone more, making more laws, and raising the price of everything.

    I see nothing but corruption in the courts that are supposed to be here to protect people from violence and theft, but condone the use of violence and theft to enforce tickets and fines from people who have not done anything to cause loss or harm.

    Psychiatrist " Sorry your time is up "

    Patient " but there is more ! "

    Psychiatrist " I am going to prescribe you some extra strength Zoloft , You appear to be depressed, you can pick up your prescription at the front desk."
     
  6. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    I'm so old that if I take a girl out they call it carbon dating...
     
  7. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

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    Just pulled that on my gal...she said "That's awful." I like it though...
     
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  8. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Garter snakes can be deadly
    A couple had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here…

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that’s when he shot her.
     
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  9. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    New dog cross breeds The following new cross breeds are now recognized by the Kennel Club - allegedly

    Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

    Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

    Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog.

    Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

    Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, not a good dog.

    Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

    Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

    Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work.

    Deerhound + Terrier
    Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

    Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    You figure this one out
     
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  10. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Silver Miner

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    Cartoons for those with a... different - sense of humor.
    Mike-Organisciak-14.jpg Mike-Organisciak-15.jpg Mike-Organisciak-17.jpg Mike-Organisciak-18.jpg Mike-Organisciak--28.jpg Mike-Organisciak--83.jpg
     

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