1. Same story, different day...........year ie more of the same fiat floods the world
    Dismiss Notice
  2. There are no markets
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Week of 6/24/2017 Closing prices & Chg Over Last Wk---- Gold $1256.40 Silver $16.64 Oil $43.01 USD $96.94
  4. "Spreading the ideas of freedom loving people on matters regarding high finance, politics, constructionist Constitution, and mental masturbation of all types"
    Dismiss Notice

JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2010
    Messages:
    2,455
    Likes Received:
    2,227
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    This guy will fit in well here. Let's save the handle Doubter Dog for him.

    dog.jpg
     
    Son of Gloin and Ensoniq like this.
  2. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    crazy_women.png
     
  3. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    6,000
    Likes Received:
    8,529
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Free Marketeer
    Location:
    North Carolina
    This well describes the founding of Congress

    A bag full of dicks
     
  4. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
    My wife and I were watching a program on TV where they were discussing mixed emotions. So I said to my wife, “that’s a bunch of BS, how can you have ‘mixed emotions’ over something? I bet you can’t tell me one thing that would make me happy and sad at the same time.”
    My wife looks at me for a minute and says, “OK, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.”
     
  5. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Psychiatrist " what brings you here today ? "

    Patient " Well the government thinks I'm crazy "

    Psychiatrist " " Why do you think they say that ? "

    Patient " Well .... okay where do I start ? let's see .... I see people blindly going through life following orders from and paying extortionist taxes to a government who poisons their air, food and water.

    I watched three massive skyscrapers fall to the ground in around 30 seconds on september 11'th 2001 and I know that is impossible without explosives yet people accept the governments silly account of that day and excuses of planes that can't even penetrate steel and concrete buildings to begin with causing those building to completely explode using jet fuel that doesn't burn hot enough to to even soften steel.

    I watch planes leaving trails in the sky that last all day and create a cloud that leaves a grey haze everyday that hides the life giving sun.

    I watch the police beating people up and sending them to jail for years for using cannabis while pedophiles and rapists get a slap on the wrist and get told they have a disorder and should be helped.

    I see people going into these large buildings where they listen to and then pay people, who do nothing, their hard earned money who worship imaginary friends.

    I watch people brushing their teeth with a known poison and they do it without wondering why this would be a stupid thing to do ?

    I get angry when I see people using doctor prescribed cancer causing chemicals in their natural bodies and then when the doctor tells them they have cancer they use more to try to cure the cancers caused by those chemicals.

    I see people watching TV and every commercial is selling those chemicals or some other form of poison, between shows that promote violence, perversion, and unattainable life expectancy's.

    I see people working two jobs to survive while the people in government do nothing and get rich by taxing everyone more, making more laws, and raising the price of everything.

    I see nothing but corruption in the courts that are supposed to be here to protect people from violence and theft, but condone the use of violence and theft to enforce tickets and fines from people who have not done anything to cause loss or harm.

    Psychiatrist " Sorry your time is up "

    Patient " but there is more ! "

    Psychiatrist " I am going to prescribe you some extra strength Zoloft , You appear to be depressed, you can pick up your prescription at the front desk."
     
  6. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    I'm so old that if I take a girl out they call it carbon dating...
     
  7. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2014
    Messages:
    6,101
    Likes Received:
    2,654
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    20 years logging
    Location:
    on the low side of corporate Oregon
    Just pulled that on my gal...she said "That's awful." I like it though...
     
    Goldhedge likes this.
  8. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    528
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Location:
    Silicon Valley
    Garter snakes can be deadly
    A couple had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here…

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that’s when he shot her.
     
  9. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    New dog cross breeds The following new cross breeds are now recognized by the Kennel Club - allegedly

    Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

    Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

    Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog.

    Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

    Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, not a good dog.

    Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

    Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

    Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work.

    Deerhound + Terrier
    Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

    Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    You figure this one out
     
    Ishkabibble, Son of Gloin and ArkWv like this.
  10. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
    Cartoons for those with a... different - sense of humor.
    Mike-Organisciak-14.jpg Mike-Organisciak-15.jpg Mike-Organisciak-17.jpg Mike-Organisciak-18.jpg Mike-Organisciak--28.jpg Mike-Organisciak--83.jpg
     
  11. Rusty Shackelford

    Rusty Shackelford Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2010
    Messages:
    5,898
    Likes Received:
    3,779
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    wastewater
    Location:
    Northern most Southern State
    The answer: perpetuate

    The question: how you get charged at a Chinese deli
     
    Ensoniq, TAEZZAR and Usury like this.
  12. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Screen Shot 2017-05-31 at 7.09.12 PM.png
     
  13. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Platinum Bling

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2014
    Messages:
    6,101
    Likes Received:
    2,654
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    20 years logging
    Location:
    on the low side of corporate Oregon
    I wana run and hide....but they have the googlie thing now.
     
  14. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Screen Shot 2017-05-31 at 7.54.16 PM.png
     
  15. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    4,704
    Likes Received:
    4,412
    Trophy Points:
    113
    And somehow, Trump didn't grab her pussy ....
     
    Son of Gloin likes this.
  16. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    14,221
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Oxygen Breather
    Location:
    Somewhere out there!
    Not a joke but very cool
     
    Son of Gloin and mispillion like this.
  17. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    14,221
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Oxygen Breather
    Location:
    Somewhere out there!
    [​IMG]
     
    Son of Gloin and Ensoniq like this.
  18. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    14,221
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Oxygen Breather
    Location:
    Somewhere out there!
    [​IMG]
     
  19. Howdy

    Howdy Silver Member Silver Miner

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    1,005
    Likes Received:
    1,143
    Trophy Points:
    113
    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.


    The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

    The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

    He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

    The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

    And, if you want to, bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
     
    Son of Gloin, Goldhedge and Professur like this.
  20. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
    Ankle Bracelets of the World

    Ankle Bracelets.jpg
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2017
  21. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Drug Dealer Brags Over Live Stream About His Cash Just As Cops Bust In And Raid His Home

     
    Ensoniq likes this.
  22. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
  23. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    6,000
    Likes Received:
    8,529
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Free Marketeer
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Apparently, "the shit do stop" lol
     
  24. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,776
    Likes Received:
    1,958
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Okay. On one hand is stupid, the other is honest. I guess honest and funny wins over stupid. But I wonder how can a guy who is high get such an important detail wrong about FOOD when he has the munchies? Won't he "get it" when he starts eating his snack?
     
    Weatherman and Howdy like this.
  25. Rusty Shackelford

    Rusty Shackelford Midas Member Midas Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2010
    Messages:
    5,898
    Likes Received:
    3,779
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    wastewater
    Location:
    Northern most Southern State
    I recently learned that it is not politically correct to call someone a tweaker.

    They are to be referred to as Methican Americans
     
    Goldhedge and Ensoniq like this.
  26. Scald

    Scald Tungsten collector Silver Miner

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2012
    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    232
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Shepard
    Location:
    Under Cover
    He was probably too occupied with his "ass fuck":rotf:
     
    Glasgow likes this.
  27. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    14,221
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Oxygen Breather
    Location:
    Somewhere out there!
    Not intended as a joke but I think it's hilarious

    She's doing God's work by promoting separatism and segregation but she needs to work on her delivery!



    [​IMG]
     
  28. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    6,000
    Likes Received:
    8,529
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Free Marketeer
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Retard alert

    Logic fail, discourse fail, IQ challenged

    And off the chart annoying
     
  29. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    14,221
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Oxygen Breather
    Location:
    Somewhere out there!
    The Africans are an amusing bunch
     
  30. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    4,704
    Likes Received:
    4,412
    Trophy Points:
    113
    1:27 ... gave up.
     
  31. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
  32. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    About the Dot:

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us westerners have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
     
    lumpOgold and Son of Gloin like this.
  33. Pyramid

    Pyramid Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,547
    Likes Received:
    1,448
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    The 57th State
    I'm sitting next to this older woman at the tavern last night. She looked pretty dang good for being 60, I kid you not, and I would’ve bet that if she had a daughter, she’d be a real dish, too.

    So we’re going to order another round and she asks me if I ever had a “sportsman’s double.” Never heard of it, so she tells me it’s a mother-daughter threesome. Holy cow, if the daughter is a forty-years-younger version of this gal, I really ought to try a “sportsman’s double,” what the fock.

    So we go back to her place, she flips on the hall light and shouts upstairs, “Ma! You awake? Company!!!”
     
    Bottom Feeder likes this.
  34. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
     
    Lt Dan likes this.
  35. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    babysitting.png
     
  36. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Non-Black Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    6,000
    Likes Received:
    8,529
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Free Marketeer
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Post said when a car hits a sign it takes months to get it fixed

    Somebody fixed up the Crooked Hill Road sign and reportedly three people come out and fix it the same day

    image.jpeg
     
  37. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
    "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
    why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
    and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

    [​IMG]
     
    michael59, Ensoniq and ArkWv like this.
  38. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    1,522
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Seattle
  39. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    MERGER TIPS FOR 2017:
    For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
    1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
    2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
    3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
    4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
    5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
    6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
    7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
    8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
    And finally....
    9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
     
  40. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Modal Operator/Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    27,512
    Likes Received:
    30,613
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Tech
    Go figure....


    Screen Shot 2017-07-04 at 12.19.53 AM.png
     

Share This Page