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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
    Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

    Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
    He had the right credentials. The agent asked,
    "What's your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
    to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to
    change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian
    name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
    Grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood
    for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
    with a name like Penis van Lesbian!? I'm telling you,
    You will HAVE TO change your name or I will not
    be able to represent you."

    "So be it!? I guess we will not do business together,"
    The guy said and he left the agent's office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope
    sent to his office.? Inside the envelope is a letter and a
    cheque for $50,000.? The agent is awe-struck, who
    would possibly send him $50,000?? He reads the
    letter enclosed.

    Dear Sir,

    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
    become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed
    to change my name.
    Determined to make it with my
    God-given birth name, I refused.

    You told me I would never make it in Hollywood
    with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
    office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
    were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
    pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
    Agent. I would never have made it without changing
    my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
    Thank you for your advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke
     
  2. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  3. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    breast_feeding.png
     
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  5. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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    I just want to kill all these fucking immigrants. NO JOKE.

    God Damn giving away the muther fuggin country good men died for. son of a bithch.

    sorry hedge. just couldn't keep it in after the shit I just witnessed in this blue city. fug me!!!!!!!!

    God Damn fuckin nigs on the street demanding money from strangers. Flip out if you don't 'pay em off'.

    Somalias that can't speak English on welfare. (they stink BAD in those black outfit)

    Charging this country outrageous fees for health care. Never paid in a dime in. I witness it ALL.

    ok, whats the punch line? Joke's on U.S., I guess.

    Play us out LW, so the mods think this is another polka joke and hopefully don't bother to read it.



    If there is a place called HELL it isn't HOT enough for those thugs who masterminded
    this melt down.​
     
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  6. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    You know..and I am laughing here...f busting a gut.... um, you know...G can't hel pit shit aww...crap! K.....sht K did you notice the banner was GERITOL..... fuck...gota change my draws' again....
     
  7. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    1. Never pass up a bathroom
    2. Never trust a fart
    3. Never waste a hardon

    You broke rule #2 michael.

    BF
     
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  8. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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    rules are rules and I am doing laundry...and, a shower is in order...
     
  9. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  10. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Democrats are gearing up for the 2020 presidential election. Notable Democratic Party tickets under consideration or that have been suggested include the leading pair of:

    Weiner-Holder...

    Followed by the honorable pairing of

    Franken-Stein...

    Many favorably view the all black female ticket:

    Lynch-Obama (h/t Just(R)ight)...

    There are reports that Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden might team up. This pairing is being referred to as the:

    Injun-Joe Ticket....

    The wild card tickets getting some consideration is the first vice-chair of dem. party in Oregon Karen Packer... with Marcia Fudge, Dem congressman from Ohio, for the:

    Fudge-P@cker ticket...

    And also Richard Berry, current Dem Mayor of Albuquerque and two time state representative with federal representative Dem. Debbie Dingell of Michigan for the....of course....

    Dingell-Berry
     
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  11. Son of Gloin

    Son of Gloin Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Those were all great, ensoniq. I find myself wondering if there might not be a couple of democRats out there named Bob Lyon and Terence Bastarde, for the obvious pair up of: Lyon-Bastarde. I know, it's made up, but it fits.
     
  12. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    C2A08FB0-C4DA-4B41-8E89-B5B9358AA073.jpeg
     
  13. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
  14. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Twas just a year ago. .. [​IMG]:-)

    Surprise surprise, and 'not' Surprise AZ.

    Very Inspiring…

    When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

    As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church.

    He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

    I told him I was not paralyzed.

    Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."

    Again I said that there is nothing wrong with me.

    After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold ... my car was gone!
     
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  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-10-27 at 8.49.11 PM.png
     
  16. hammerhead

    hammerhead Not just a screen name Gold Chaser

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    What's the difference between God and Barack Obama? God doesn't think he is Barack Obama.
     
  17. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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    LOUIS CK tries to keep his job with Sprint:

     
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  18. Pyramid

    Pyramid Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    A Halloween story.

    A trick-or-treat kid came to the door last year wearing a suit and tie. Here’s a kid who knows how to dress for success, I thought.

    Kid: “Are you Herbie Bryzlyzcki?”
    Herbie: “Who wants to know?”
    Kid: “Nice name. You got something against vowels? Let’s cut to the chase, mister. I’m here to count your candy.”

    So I show him the bowl filled with little candy bars. He does the counting and then takes 28% of the total and starts to walk away without even a thank you.

    Herbie: “Hey, who the hell do you think you are?”
    Kid turns around and says, “IRS.”
     
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  19. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    OK
    Trick r Treat
    Visit this:
     
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  20. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    YEEEEE HAWW
    adaw1cb.jpg
     
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  21. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    And our favorite soldier:
    Bergdahl.jpg
     
  22. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    And for our new residents:
    Best Costume.jpg
     
  23. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-11-01 at 9.31.03 AM.png

    Screen Shot 2017-11-01 at 9.15.48 AM.png
     
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  24. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-11-01 at 9.34.01 AM.png
     
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  25. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Unique.png
     
  26. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Liberal mindset

    She can't hold it together and suddenly "doesn't feel safe"

    That cop has the patience of a Saint. I would have dropped the "shut up ya dumb bitch" card the third or forth time she asked a question and talked through the answer

     
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  27. lumpOgold

    lumpOgold Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Wow! You can't make up stupid here!
     
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  28. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Hilarious! She talked herself into a ticket. Never open your mouth when the Cops are there.
     
  29. JayDubya

    JayDubya Platinum Bling Platinum Bling

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    She's a county legislator. She helps to make changes to existing laws and to pass new legislation.

    She didn't understand something as simple as a f*cking speeding ticket.

    How can she possibly understand anything related to passing and/or amendment existing laws? creating a budget? raising funding for a community project?

    Not to mention she's so mentally unstable she claimed to have been triggered into a panic attack and symptoms of PTSD all because of being pulled over for a ticket.
     
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  30. hammerhead

    hammerhead Not just a screen name Gold Chaser

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    Ha ha. What seems to be your problem, officer?
     
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  31. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    The Postman Doesn’t Just Deliver Letters.

    One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

    His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

    “Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.

    Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

    The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”

    ‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

    The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it.”

    “Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”
     
  32. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    0E16D201-42C6-40C0-BF7E-DF956C2B5754.jpeg
     
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  33. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    53875406-5D2B-4B55-9183-F3357A3D469C.jpeg
     
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  34. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money"
     
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  35. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

    The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White Houseofficial and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

    The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government works.
     
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  36. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Gold Pirate Gold Chaser

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    lifebuzz-8105a7f2bb98c195bc95e45c0b525cc7-limit_2000.jpg
     
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  37. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    When your getting thrown out of the football game, don't slap the cop on steroids if you wish to remain conscious ;)

    TING

     
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  38. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    MERGER TIPS FOR 2018: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2018:

    1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
    2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
    3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
    4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
    5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become: FedUP.
    6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
    7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
    8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organisation of Women will become: Knott NOW!
    And finally....
    9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
     
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  39. JayDubya

    JayDubya Platinum Bling Platinum Bling

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    Epic Clothing Disasters

    ""
     
  40. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Gold Pirate Gold Chaser

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    upload_2017-11-7_7-2-26.jpg
     
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