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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Pyramid

    Pyramid Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Now that it's deer season, many an experienced woodsman knows the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts. Beer nuts are about a $buck-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck.
     
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  2. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-11-28 at 10.03.22 PM.png
     
  3. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Oh, snap
     
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  4. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Damn, that was hard to read. But it illustrates the difference between people who read directly as whole words and sentences, and the people who (apparently) process words first in their auditory system, and don't seem to notice incorrect spelling or even usage so long as the "sound" is close.
     
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  5. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    acyrologia — I've always known this as malapropism, is the root and basis for many of our jokes and cartoons. Very appropriate subject matter for this thread. Laughter and education combined.

    BF
     
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  6. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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    I just ain't feelin it today homie .. . ... .

    [​IMG]

    Maybe I have my pants up too high...:panda:
     
  7. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Gold Pirate Gold Chaser

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    Bacon shortage.jpg
     
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  8. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  9. ArkWv

    ArkWv Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    I was out this past sunday on the way home and had to piss real bad and saw a Johnny Blue at a construction site. I pulled in and used it but noticed the writing on the wall, ****** gives great head and a phone #. It was a lady about 1/4 mile from me. She's a real bitch to, I just wish I had my camera.
     
  10. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Feel it Bro, maybe this is better

     
  11. Scald

    Scald Tungsten collector Silver Miner

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    Without Nipples, Boobs would be pointless.
     
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  12. gringott

    gringott Killed then Resurrected Midas Member Site Supporter

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    Today's joke of the day, only two words.

    Matt Lauer
     
  13. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A very old story, but still funny to me.

    Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

    One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

    At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".

    The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

    Bill hesitates, but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it.

    Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby."

    With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

    She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

    He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

    Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

    The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first 'pitch'.."
     
  14. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
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  15. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-11-30 at 5.52.31 PM.png
     
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  16. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-01 at 10.39.15 AM.png
     
  17. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  18. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    What do you call a drag queen who is lactose intolerant?

    A non-dairy Queen
     
  19. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up like that.

    He said, "Up until last month, I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library every single day.

    I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

    I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

    "Oh no, nothing like that," he said . . . I was paroled.
     
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  20. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  21. arminius

    arminius Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    I prefer full dairy queens...

    b3.jpg
     
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  22. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    If I ever fall off a cruise ship....
     
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  23. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  24. Anon

    Anon New Member

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    1469508681123.jpg
     
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  25. the_shootist

    the_shootist The war is here on our doorstep! Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]

    Sweet Jesus!!
     
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  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  27. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder Hypophthalmichthys molitrix Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Yeah, she's a cutie, ain't she.

    BF
     
  28. Son of Gloin

    Son of Gloin Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    It's the pink top. All girls look great in pink.
     
  29. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  30. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Gold Pirate Gold Chaser

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    sleep-2Bin-2Bchurch.jpg
     
  31. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
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  32. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    That ping pong table top is much bigger than a Bitcoin, so it must be a bargain!

    Ping Pong.jpg
     
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  33. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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  34. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Hmmmmm...

    Nativity.png
     
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  35. Professur

    Professur Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    The patient was visibly agitated as the Dr. entered the exam room. "Doc, doc, you gotta help me! It's just awful!"
    "Calm down, Mr.Roberts, and tell me what the problem is," the Dr. replied.
    "Put your stethoscope on my ankle," Roberts begged, and the Dr. did as requested, and was astounded when he heard a small voice imploring, "Please, mister......I haven't eaten all day, and I'm really hungry. Could you spare $5 so I could get something to eat?"
    The Dr. reared back in astonishment, as Roberts proclaimed, "See what I mean? Now listen to my shin!"
    Again, the Dr. did as requested, only to hear a different voice say, "Kind sir, I seem to have fallen on hard times. If you could give me $10, it would really help."
    The Dr. sat back once more, shaking his head in disbelief, when Roberts asked one more time, "Now listen to my thigh!"
    So the Dr. moved his stethoscope upward, and heard ANOTHER voice begging, "Say pal, I'm a little short this week - could you loan me $20 till payday?"
    Roberts is now certain he has the Dr. convinced, as he asks, "What is it, doc? What's wrong with me?"
    The Dr. replied, "Well, I can't be sure until we run a few tests, but I CAN tell you one thing for certain...
    your leg is broke, in 3 different places."
     
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  36. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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  37. birddog

    birddog Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    I figured this would be the best place to put this.... Ha!

    pencedeliverfromevil.PNG
     
  38. keef

    keef Пальто Crude Platinum Bling

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  39. smooth

    smooth Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The trooper asks: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper asks: "And what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the trooper is totally confused: A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening! The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." The trooper asks: "And how old is she?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
     
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  40. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    A young blond woman is speeding down the New Jersey turnpike. A New Jersey State Policeman clocks her and pulls her over. He walks up to the window ticket book in hand. She rolls down the wind and says to the Officer " I bet you're going to try to sell me tickets to the New Jersey State Police Ball. He replies "Ma'am New Jersey State police do not have balls" There was a long silence then he tipped his hat and said "good day ma'am" as he returned to his car.
     
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