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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Discussion in 'Topical Discussions (In Depth)' started by SilverNuts&Bolts, Mar 31, 2010.



  1. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    AN IRISH GHOST STORY
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

    ‘Look Paddy ... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
     
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  2. southfork

    southfork Mother Lode Found Mother Lode

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    Yah
     

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  3. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-12 at 10.39.16 AM.png

    Screen Shot 2017-12-12 at 11.18.05 AM.png
     
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  4. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A New Christmas Poem

    Twas The Night Before Christmas,
    He Lived All Alone,
    In A One Bedroom House Made Of
    Plaster And Stone.


    I Had Come Down The Chimney
    With Presents To Give,
    And To See Just Who
    In This Home Did Live.


    I Looked All About,
    A Strange Sight I Did See,
    No Tinsel, No Presents,
    Not Even A Tree.


    No Stocking By Mantle,
    Just Boots Filled With Sand,
    On The Wall Hung Pictures
    Of Far Distant Lands.


    With Medals And Badges,
    Awards Of All Kinds,
    A Sober Thought
    Came Through My Mind.


    For This House Was Different,
    It Was Dark And Dreary,
    I Found The Home Of A Soldier,
    Once I Could See Clearly.


    The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
    Silent, Alone,
    Curled Up On The Floor
    In This One Bedroom Home.


    The Face Was So Gentle,
    The Room In Such Disorder,
    Not How I Pictured
    A United States Soldier.


    Was This The Hero
    Of Whom I’d Just Read?
    Curled Up On A Poncho,
    The Floor For A Bed?


    I Realized The Families
    That I Saw This Night,
    Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
    Who Were Willing To Fight.


    Soon Round The World,
    The Children Would Play,
    And Grownups Would Celebrate
    A Bright Christmas Day.


    They All Enjoyed Freedom
    Each Month Of The Year,
    Because Of The Soldiers,
    Like The One Lying Here.


    I Couldn’t Help Wonder
    How Many Lay Alone,
    On A Cold Christmas Eve
    In A Land Far From Home.


    The Very Thought
    Brought A Tear To My Eye,
    I Dropped To My Knees
    And Started To Cry.


    The Soldier Awakened
    And I Heard A Rough Voice,
    “Santa Don’t Cry,
    This Life Is My Choice;


    I Fight For Freedom,
    I Don’t Ask For More,
    My Life Is My God,
    My Country, My Corps.”


    The Soldier Rolled Over
    And Drifted To Sleep,
    I Couldn’t Control It,
    I Continued To Weep.


    I Kept Watch For Hours,
    So Silent And Still
    And We Both Shivered
    From The Cold Night’s Chill.


    I Didn’t Want To Leave
    On That Cold, Dark, Night,
    This Guardian Of Honor
    So Willing To Fight.


    Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
    With A Voice Soft And Pure,
    Whispered, “Carry On Santa,
    It’s Christmas Day, All Is Secure.”


    One Look At My Watch,
    And I Knew He Was Right.
    “Merry Christmas My Friend,
    And To All A Good Night.”
     
  5. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
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  6. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  7. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Gives a whole new meaning to 'palm' tree...



    Palm_tree.png
     
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  8. Scald

    Scald Tungsten collector Silver Miner

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    A kid asks his dad for a Bitcoin. His dad said,"14,760 dollars??? $17,320 is a lot of money. Where do you think I"m going to get $16,872?"
     
  9. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-13 at 1.47.24 PM.png
     
  10. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-13 at 2.21.05 PM.png
     
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  11. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Damn, GH, that took me a minute to figure out! If anyone wants a spoiler, highlight the following.
    It's the last line of the song.
     
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  12. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    2AC0F4CB-1B90-447E-86E7-C05F4E1A501E.jpeg
     
  13. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    A Christmas Poem

    'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

    The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

    The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

    It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

    Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

    When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

    Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

    The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

    With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

    Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

    And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

    Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

    Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

    They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

    And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

    I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

    His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

    That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

    He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

    I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

    Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

    The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

    A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

    A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

    A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

    This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

    He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

    He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

    In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

    The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
     
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  14. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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  15. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    THE COW, THE ANT, AND THE OLD FART.

    upload_2017-12-17_12-41-10.png


    The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart



    A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three.


    The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"


    The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
    .































    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.


    .
     
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  17. Son of Gloin

    Son of Gloin Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    I see a**holes, liars and idiots all around me, day after day and I don't draw down and shoot them dead. And that's why I'm the greatest!
     
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  18. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  19. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  20. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    You've got me wondering whether a millennial would get the joke ;)
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
  21. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-18 at 7.58.45 AM.png
     
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  22. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Gold Pirate Gold Chaser

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    25157941_797159700480031_8644845037199151980_n.jpg

    I, for one, am glad I'm old and retired, don't think I could deal with what men have to deal with in today's workplace.
     
  23. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Naw, I wouldn't want that. Intelligence and interactive are the best parts if you choose wisely
     
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  24. ArkWv

    ArkWv Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    She can get me fired any day of the week.
     
  25. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-18 at 9.50.39 PM.png
     
  26. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-19 at 9.07.51 AM.png
     
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  27. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Screen Shot 2017-12-19 at 11.48.31 AM.png
     
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  28. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    YEAR IN REVIEW: 12 *AMAZING* Feminist Victories of 2017


    Whether on the campus or sweating over a keyboard in the musty bowels of a cat-infested Brooklyn hovel, feminism was kicking-ass again in 2017.

    But for these ball-busting justice warriors, that’s business as usual when you’ve dedicated your life, and degree, to liberating womyn-kind and trans-critters from the vice-grip of male oppression and toxic whiteness.

    At DANGEROUS, we rounded up all the greatest hits of womyn-warriordom for 2017. The next time some green-haired blob of human misery snorts its way toward you on the street, or a pervy soy-boy tries to rape you in the office, don’t panic! You owe these tireless justice crusaders a world of gratitude.

    Without further ado, Feminism’s Amazing 2017 Victories!:



    #1

















    #2















    #3















    #4















    #5















    #6







    [​IMG]

    This?










    #7
















    #8
















    #9















    #10















    #11
















    #12















    Thanks for reading! And keep your eyes peeled for amazing things to come from our patriarchy-smashing friends in 2018! Follow all of DANGEROUS’s Year in Review posts, here.
     
  29. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Three little ducks go into a bar......






    "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.


    "Huey," was the reply.


    "How's your day been, Huey?"


    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey


    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


    "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.


    "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


    "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
    The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
    "So, you must be Louie?"





    "No," she said batting her eyelashes,
    "My name is Puddles."
     
  30. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    [​IMG]
     
  31. Goldhedge

    Goldhedge Moderator Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    Arson.png
     
  32. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  33. BarnacleBob

    BarnacleBob GIM Founding Member & Mod. Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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  34. michael59

    michael59 heads up-butts down Site Supporter ++ Platinum Bling

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  35. FoundingFathers

    FoundingFathers Founder Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips
     
  36. Weatherman

    Weatherman In GIM since 2006 Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Have a happy!

    Santa Claus is comin' to town
    He sees you when you're sleepin'
    He knows when you're a wake
    He knows if you've been bad or good
    So be good for goodness sake.

    Santa.jpg
     
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  37. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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  38. Ensoniq

    Ensoniq Midas Member Midas Member Site Supporter ++

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    Here's a bit of Antifa Karma

    To recap, he doesn't believe in free speach, freedom of religion, or looking both ways before crossing the street

     
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  39. Son of Gloin

    Son of Gloin Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter ++

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    Looks like he was hit hard enough to make a solid impression, but not enough to break anything. He'll be alright. Hope he learns something.
     
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  40. JayDubya

    JayDubya Platinum Bling Platinum Bling

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    Yeah, I do too, but what are the odds?
     
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