1. Metals start the week nicely positive as the new admin settles in.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Good Mon Morning! Gold is +8.8 and at 1213, while Silver is +15 to 1718. Crude is down 61 to 52.61. The USD is down 34 to 100.34
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Week of 1/21/2017 Closing prices & Chg Over Last Wk---- Gold $1205.00-- Silver $17.03-- Oil $53.24 -- USD $100.64 -- Based on near term futures contract--- At JMB Current price AGE 2017 $1281.40 (1), SAE $20.47 (20)
  4. Added Heartland Precious Metals out of OK and LA to the map, Added Texas Precious Metals, and Added Provident Metals.

The Bar

Discussion in 'Coffee Shack (Daily News/Energy/Economy)' started by Scorpio, Nov 29, 2016.



  1. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  2. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
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  3. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    That looks like a young Charlie Sheen. Good to know everything turned out okay.
     
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  4. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    The only way to star your day.................

    [​IMG]
     
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  5. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  6. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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  7. FoundingFathers

    FoundingFathers Founder Founding Member Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Dead Duck

    Dead Duck

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

    She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
  9. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    When Grandma Goes To Court... Look Out!
    Lawyers should never ask a Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state... not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

    The judge asked both counselors to approached the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said... "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
     
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  10. Pyramid

    Pyramid Gold Member Gold Chaser

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  11. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Cold Winter

    It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

    'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

    'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.'
     
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  12. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Deaf Wife
    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

    No response. So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again, there is no response.

    So, he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    "Clyde, for the fifth time... CHICKEN!"
     
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  13. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  14. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. Someone_else

    Someone_else Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    A good artist is one who can capture an emotion and communicate it to the viewer.
     
  17. JayDubya

    JayDubya Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Scorpio, hope you don't mind. I put up a new sign at the front door. It should keep the whiny-ass snowflakes outta this place.

    [​IMG]
     
  18. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    JW

    not showing up???? By all means, bring it on
     
  19. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    if you would young lady, send one my way...........


    32.jpg
     
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  20. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    British Exam Answers
    Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

    English

    Define the word “monotony.”
    Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

    Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    What does the word “benign” mean?
    Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
    Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

    Technology

    What is a turbine?
    Something an Arab wears on his head.

    History

    What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
    Nelson’s column.

    Religious Instruction

    Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
    The fatted calf.

    What is a Hindu?
    It lays eggs.

    Name some famous pilgrimages.
    Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it’s closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord’s.

    Geography

    Name the four seasons.
    Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    What is the equator?
    A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

    Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
    Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

    Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    How is dew formed?
    The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    What is a planet?
    A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    What causes the tides in the oceans?
    The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    What is a fossil?
    A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

    Biology

    What happens to your body as you age?
    When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    Premature death.

    What is artificial insemination?
    When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    How can you delay milk turning sour?
    Keep it in the cow.

    How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
    The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

    Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
    The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

    What is the Fibula?
    A small lie.

    Where are the Tibia?
    They live in a country in North Africa.

    What does “varicose” mean?
    Nearby.

    What is the most common form of birth control?
    Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
    The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    What is the alimentary canal?
    The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

    What is a coma?
    A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

    What is a seizure?
    A Roman emperor.

    What is a terminal illness?
    When you are sick at the airport.

    Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
    A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

    Sociology

    What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    What is a social node?
    A friend you have known for a very long time.

    Medical

    What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
    Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

    What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
    The kiss of death.

    What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
    1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
    2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

    How can you help someone who has fainted?
    1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
    2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

    What are steroids?
    Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
    1. Circumcision.
    2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

    How would you treat a head cold?
    Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

    What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
    Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

    What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
    If the blood is affirmative or negative.

    How should you remove dust from the eye?
    Pull the eye down over the nose.

    What is an enema?
    Someone who is not your friend.

    Psychology

    What is a morbid state?
    A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

    Botany

    What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
    The rectum.

    Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

    What is rhubarb?
    A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

    Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
    1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
    2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
    3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.

    Chemistry

    What is a supersaturated solution?
    A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

    Physics

    What is momentum?
    What you give a body when they are going away.

    What is a vacuum?
    A large empty space where the pope lives.

    What is a magnet?
    Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
     
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  21. JayDubya

    JayDubya Gold Member Gold Chaser

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  22. gringott

    gringott Killed then Resurrected Midas Member Site Supporter

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    I prefer Corona Extra to Light. When I drink Corona.
     
  23. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    Hub cap margarita

    [​IMG]
     
  24. arminius

    arminius Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Occupation:
    420 healer
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    right here right now
    Sure I'll have some of that...

    bm1.jpg
    bm2.jpg bm3.jpg
     
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  25. ABC123

    ABC123 Silver Member Silver Miner

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    hmmm......would like to attend that bar.
     
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  26. 90%RealMoney

    90%RealMoney Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Left Flank, Oceana...Locked and Loaded!
    Reminds me of the lingerie shows at Texas Loosey's back in the day.
     
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  27. 90%RealMoney

    90%RealMoney Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Left Flank, Oceana...Locked and Loaded!
    Pacifico with a wedge for me!
     
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  28. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
    There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctors certificate for your employer."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

    He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

    In ten seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant --Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better."

    "And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
     
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  29. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    5 Surgeons

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because, when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

    The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

    [​IMG]
     
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  30. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
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  31. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  32. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  33. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  34. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
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  35. JayDubya

    JayDubya Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    Looks like I'm gonna be in here drinking all day long.

    My wife told me she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

    I told her "You don't need surgery for that. I know how you can do it without surgery."

    She asked me "How?"

    I said "All you need to do is rub toilet paper between them."

    She asked "How could that possibly make them bigger?"

    I said "I don't know, but it worked wonders for your ass."
     
  36. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    Drinkin' gonna be hard with all those missin' teeth!
     
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  37. JayDubya

    JayDubya Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
     
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  38. JayDubya

    JayDubya Gold Member Gold Chaser

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    A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

    A man walks in, sits down at the bar and the robot asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "137." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

    A second man comes in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about 110, maybe 115." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is incredible."

    A third guy walks into the bar. As with the others, the robot asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80."

    The robot said, "So, like all the other liberals, did you cry when Hillary lost the election?"
     
  39. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  40. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    what a pos post from a commie sympathizer whoever generated that photo shop

    he is supporting troops????

    bullshit.............
     
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