1. Yet another holiday today for .gov and market types today in the US
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  2. This Monday, Feb. 20, all U.S. banks and financial markets will be closed in observance of the Presidents Day,
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  3. Week of 2/17/2017 Closing prices & Chg Over Last Wk---- Gold $1239.10-- Silver $18.03-- Oil $53.78-- USD $100.95 -- Based on near term futures contract--- At JMB Current price AGE 2017 $1304.51 (1), SAE $21.15 (20)

The Bar

Discussion in 'Coffee Shack (Daily News/Economy)' started by Scorpio, Nov 29, 2016.



  1. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
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  2. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. ^updated^

    ^updated^ found a way in Silver Miner

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  4. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Redneck Fisherman

    A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game Warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

    The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

    "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
    These here are my pet fish.""Pet fish?? Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into My net and I take 'em home."

    "What a line of horse sh-t...you're under arrest."

    The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

    "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

    The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
    After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

    "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

    The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    "The FISH," replied the warden!

    "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
     
  5. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Alabama Fishing

    A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
    He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says...
    "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

    He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

    His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
    the wife and asks where his brother is.

    She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

    The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
    brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

    His brother replies, "I'm fishin.' What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

    His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
     
  6. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    How Poor We Really Are
    Author Unknown

    One day, a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were.

    They stayed one day and one night in the farmhouse of a very humble farm. On the way back home at the end of the trip the father asked the son, "What did you think of the trip?"

    The son replied, "Very nice, Dad."

    The father then asked, "Did you notice how poor they were?"

    The son replied, "Yes, I guess so."

    The father then added, "And what did you learn?"

    To this question, the son thought for a moment and answered slowly, "I learned that we have one dog in the house and they have four. We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream that has no end.

    "We have fancy lanterns in our garden, while they have the stars. Our garden goes to the edge of our yard, but for their back yard, they have the entire horizon!"

    At the end of the son's reply, the rich father was speechless. His son then added: "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we really are."
     
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  7. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    young lady, when ya get finished, I need a beer............

    octoberfest4.jpg
     
  8. mayhem

    mayhem A Different Perspective Seeker

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    Now if she be a Russian woman you would be kissed with the pot! Happens to all Russian men at least once, most learn from the experience.
     
  9. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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  10. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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  11. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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  12. Zed

    Zed Size doesn't count! Midas Member

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    Cut me off when I can tripe hany mrooor. OK?
     
  13. mayhem

    mayhem A Different Perspective Seeker

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    Y'all make me wish I didn't give up drinkin 30 years ago.
     
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  14. Zed

    Zed Size doesn't count! Midas Member

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    If I gave up drinking I would have to smoke dope again. Truth be told if it wasn't easier to have the odd wine the odd toke would be better for my health all round. Somehow a 52 year old guy with a short hair cut is not that trusted by the local kiddy dealers.... LOL, like the lil feckers invented it...chit. Anywhoooooo... I like a good drop, so, until it is legal here I will put up with its short comings. Moderation in all things. :D I have never propped up a bar nor will I ever. :p
     
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  15. Zed

    Zed Size doesn't count! Midas Member

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    Didn't know you could sing!
     
  16. mtnman

    mtnman Gold Member Gold Chaser Site Supporter

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    You call that "singing"? So where's Magenta?
     
  17. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Courtroom Comedy

    These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere



    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
  18. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    NOT AFRAID

    A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope."

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
     
  19. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Little Johnny

    Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. "God opened up Adam's side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it," was what really struck Johnny.

    Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeing sick, and his side began to hurt. He layed down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said, "Not really - I think I'm gonna have a wife."
     
  20. mayhem

    mayhem A Different Perspective Seeker

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    Try being 74 and scoring some weed...... :belly laugh:
     
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  21. Zed

    Zed Size doesn't count! Midas Member

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    I'm gonna by seeds off the internutz, apparently that is legal (?!), then I can grow my own plant or two. That they pretty well ignore here, personal use gets a tich, tich at the worst.
     
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  22. mayhem

    mayhem A Different Perspective Seeker

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    Me also..
    Great avatar Homer!
     
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  23. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  24. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  25. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  26. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  27. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    [​IMG]
     
  28. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    A story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

    Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

    I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

    I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

    The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

    In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

    She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

    Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
    time if that was all.

    She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

    She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"
     
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  29. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Two hunters, who were professors at Georgia Tech, hired a pilot , who was a University of Tennessee grad, to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

    As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

    The two professors objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

    Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

    Climbing out of the wreck, one professor asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

    He replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
     
  30. Argent Dragon

    Argent Dragon Site Support Site Mgr Site Supporter

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    HAPPY FRIDAY GIM'ers !

    Today, I'm popping Champagne in my effort to make America great again !!!
     
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  31. EricTheCat

    EricTheCat Silver Member Silver Miner

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    Good evening. I am drinking a leinenkugel's. I figured this place would be hopping tonight. :beer:

    Back to my mad scientist project :troll:
     
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  32. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

    "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

    "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

    "I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."

    "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

    "Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

    "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

    "The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."

    "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

    "If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."

    "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
     
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  33. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    young lady........hit me

    1.jpg
     
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  34. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    Gotta go see who won the block pools. Already know one of the bartenders hit. Hope I hit too. Here's hoping....................

    [​IMG]
     
  35. mayhem

    mayhem A Different Perspective Seeker

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    You actually drink that stuff? It's labeled lite because it contains less sugar and more starch. What happens when starch hits the stomach? Right, turns to sugar.

    Forever ago when I drank I drank Irish Whiskey, usually Bushmills. If I'm out with friends and I feel like a some alcohol, I order Bushmills straight up with a side of water, no ice. Last time was at least 5 years ago. And no, I didn't quit because I was a alcoholic, I just lost the desire, and as I got older the mornings were harder to take.
     
  36. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    Had 2 and split.
     
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  37. searcher

    searcher Mother Lode Found Site Supporter ++ Mother Lode

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    The Beauty in the Blackout
    Mini-vacation from yourself, or the best time you’ll never remember?

    By
    Sarah Szabo



    I’m lying in bed with my consort of the moment, staring at the ceiling with a loud white void glaring garishly in my memory.

    [​IMG]

    There is an immediate sensation of serious brain pain, and a kind of numb awareness that I simply don’t know whose house this is. In the following hours, I will ride some sixty miles in the backseat of an acquaintance’s car, completely horizontal in a borrowed blue dress, feeling so ill that I’m all but certain my life will never be normal again. This hangover is terminal. This is how it feels to walk the last lap of life. It’s feeding tubes and death sweat all the way down.

    There is an excruciating wait in the line of an Arby’s drive-thru, where I order grapes, and eat two. The sky is gray, the world is cold, the snow is piled on the roadsides, black and ugly. My girlfriend and I will later become aware of the existence of a photograph of us laying in the bathroom of that stranger’s house, fully clothed and apparently dead, with an albino ferret on the floor beside us in the corner of the frame.

    Sometimes these things happen.

    Such periods of true darkness, when we are forced to Sherlock Holmes our own lives due to the fact that we, for some brief time, weren’t around for them, are not uncommon to the drinker, be they a devotee of the lifestyle, or merely a weekender. The blackout is the great equalizer—all are susceptible to the strike of its hammer. It is, truly, society’s only tolerated form of public insanity, and that barely.

    But is a blackout not written into the social contract? This is the give and take of the market, mon frère. Who doesn’t have an aunt who’s gone absolutely apeshit on Bud Light and Moscato and tried to flash some minors on New Year’s? Have you ever held a friend’s hair? You need to hold a friend’s hair. Or at least sit in with them while they purge into the porcelain and mutter apologies, a viscous mingling of drool and teardrops dribbling off their chin onto their clothes, ignored. This is a position of love, trust, and high honor, for a friend in need is a friend indeed. And we’ve all, at least, been a friend in need.

    It is the unluckiest of us that remember our more devilish nights in every vivid detail. Usually, by the time we get this shitty, we are blessed with the remedy of amnesia. Our friends will tell us that we threw a punch, and we will recall aching knuckles—but no more. Only snapshots remain, along with the nagging inability to reconcile them with what little we can recall of the night. The image of ourselves spraying hot bourbon out of our mouths all over a bouncer, the floor, the sidewalk, the inside and outside of a car… when did that happen?

    That’s odd, we think, regarding the industrial-sized bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, curled up next to us on our pillows like a dead animal, all accusatory and sad in the ugly light of dawn. And that’s crazy, we continue, realizing that the clothes we came home in last night don’t belong to us and don’t fit. “And Jesus Christ,” we moan aloud, on discovering that our entire bodies, from soles to scalps, are covered in grass and canola oil.

    We are the truly blessed ones. We made it out without remembering.

    Not that there isn’t a more sinister darkness inherent to the blackout—physically, mentally, morally. I would be remiss if I simply praised getting blotto without regard for the potential results which, let’s not kid ourselves, can easily end up fucking fatal. Or worse. We should not forget that the blackout is a weapon, for more predatory kinds. Blackouts have caused Bad Things, owing to their chaotic nature, and I do not endorse Bad Things. I don’t necessarily endorse blackouts. But I do yet see a twisted kind of beauty in their essence, philosophically. The idea of truly escaping oneself … a self-imposed waking sleep … a trust fall into the tendrils of the world.

    And it is through those we trust that we manage to survive our nastiest nights. (Have you ever gotten blackout drunk at a party where you didn’t know anybody? Because it isn’t fun. I lost a phone, some shoes, my dignity, and a fight.) For those of us who do this often, we trade blackouts like a currency. Social capital. You can vomit on my floor, but it buys me dinner and a six-pack.

    Let’s take one recent, illustrative example. Let us dissect a common blackout. We’ll go ahead and say this only happened for the sake of this article. For tax purposes.

    [​IMG]

    Case Study: Sarah Sz’s Subjective Chronology of a Night

    It was Tuesday evening, so I settled in early. I rewatched The Wire—always fun, particularly since I have a habit of going shot-for-shot with boozehounds on TV. It’s Pavlovian. I started dinner, made hella Greyhounds. Hell, I had a plan for my night! A plan which took all of five minutes and two text messages to get derailed. On urgent request, I abandoned course and hied to the bar immediately.

    I then proceeded to charm this bar, dancing seductively with comely women and interesting men, speaking exclusively in witticisms, save for the times I spent singing. It was a beautiful night.

    I recall some dysphoria around 1 am, at which point I seem to have teleported home. I sense anger in the murk.

    The next morning—1pm. After examining my bruises from the night before, I encountered my roommate, sitting tense, exuding violence.

    “Did I see you last night…?” I coyly ventured, eyes runny, bloodshot, ain’t I a stinker.

    And then he tells me some bullshit about a fire.

    Case Study: The Sober Perspective
    Well, this was a surprise. Also, an opportunity. I needed to know the truth of my night. Here, for the first time ever, I had a captive witness. An angry one. And boy, did he have some rude truth to drop on me.

    “After waiting tables for seven hours, I came home to our building, hearing the distant sounds of the fire alarm from our top floor apartment. Upon entering, the cat was nowhere to be found, and the apartment was filled with smoke. Running past the paintings, I opened the oven to find two massive, charred potatoes. Belching smoke.

    “The neighbor knocked, and I answered—they said they saw smoke coming out from under the door and were wondering if everything was okay. I said, I didn’t know—my roommate wasn’t home.

    “About an hour and a half later, you stumbled up the stairs, opened the door, and seemed very surprised. And then without so much as an ‘I’m sorry,’ you went to bed. And that’s the way it was. You feel good about yourself?”

    “I feel nauseous and guilty. It’s the worst feeling in the world.”

    “How about you put that in your article?”

    At the time of this writing, I still live here. By the time that you read this—well, the odds diminish on the daily. That “social capital” bit I was noodling over—I’m in the red with no hope by now. I exist out of tolerance. Luckily, at least some of the company I keep is sloppier.

    Perhaps it is best for us to consider blackouts to be spiritual adventures, like LSD. That should provide some solace for the times we wake up the next afternoon and have to face some harsh shit in a new reality. Blackouts allow us to see ourselves from outside, unvarnished, out of control. For once, we don’t have an opinion on the kind of person we might be. The sickening, amoral, monstrosities of our psyches may emerge and become common knowledge, indisputable. The whole world gains a deeper understanding of us, and it’s possible that we will never be able to look at ourselves the same way again.

    Also like LSD, trip sitters are invaluable. Things go wrong without a buddy at your back.

    Do you trust yourself? Have you ever considered that maybe you shouldn’t? There’s only one way to find out, so you better have good friends… Because the fact of the matter is—friendship is the beauty in the blackout. Of course it is. Without our friends, we’re in the gutters. Without our friends, we’re breaking into banks, earning fifteen years in lockup because we thought it was our house.

    Cherish those strained friendships. Return favors, forgive the faults of others. Because if you’re having fun in life it all, next time it might be you who puts their fist in the wall, vomits on an innocent, or burns the house down. You don’t want enemies at times like that.

    But enough worrying about that dark and dreary nonsense. We’re all friends here—let’s set our cares aside.

    Now close your eyes. Take a shot. Trust fall.

    http://www.drunkard.com/the-beauty-in-the-blackout/
     
  38. Rusty Shackelford

    Rusty Shackelford Midas Member Midas Member

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    Occupation:
    wastewater
    Location:
    Northern most Southern State
    Is there anything wrong with this??

    image.jpg image.jpg
    I catch so much shit for bringing $16 beer in a $400 cooler.
     
  39. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Subject: DEAR ABBY BASS FISHING


    Dear Abby,

    I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids,
    great job, and great education.

    When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my
    favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and
    tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
    Finally, one day at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the
    shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We
    quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about
    fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I
    spend too much time fishing.

    A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I
    catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later
    Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam
    holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to
    the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she
    doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell
    the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

    What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or
    quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

    Thanks, A fisherman
    PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.








    Dear Fisherman,
    Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
    Abby
     
  40. Scorpio

    Scorpio Скорпион Founding Member Board Elder Site Mgr Site Supporter ++

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    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
    that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
    lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
    itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
    activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
    and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
    whenever selected.
    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
    my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
    7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
    Thanks,
    A TroubledUser
    ______________________________________

    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.
    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
    just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
    SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
    impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
    impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
    installed.
    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
    allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
    Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and
    work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
    application "Yes Dear 1.0" to alleviate software augmentation.
    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.EXE
    because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
    the system will return to normal anyway.
    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
    Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
    3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
    cause the system to launch the program NagNag Nag 9.5. Once this
    happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
    purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short
    Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
    irreversible damage to the operating system.
    Best of luck,
    Tech Support
     

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