A gold collector is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently, bumping into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!” Shocked, the preacher dunks him again but for a little longer. He asks again, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!” By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 60 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a pint of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him , “How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off the cliff. <>My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. <> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was she was coming home. <> A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There is nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.<>I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. <> I’m so ugly, my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. <> And I’m so ugly, my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. <> I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the Loom guys giggling.
She married and had 7 children, and then her husband died.
She remarried and had 5 more. Again, her husband died.
She married for the third time and had 3 more children.
Alas, she finally died leaving behind her 15 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above and thanked Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to 'Go forth and multiply'.
In his eulogy the preacher said, 'Lord, they are finally together'.
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'
The neighbor replied, 'I think he means her legs'.
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor.
As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred’s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he’d worn the day Fred died.
"You know," he said, "ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t read it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You’re standing on my oxygen tube!"
Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em.
They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.
Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"
"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."
The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"
"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:
"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning
the funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel.
After many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the
next town; he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day.
After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi
begins his eulogy. "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr.
Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of the community,"
Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you talking
about, Rabbi? This man was a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own
grandmother for fifty cents!
"The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn
the passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue
and dedicated Talmudic scholar."
Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi?
This man hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"
Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the
passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father."
Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously
didn't know Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and
he never had time to spend with his children!"
At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says,
"My friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and
prejudices of our neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak
ill of our own people? Surely, there is someone in this
congregation who knew Mr. Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."
After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and
says, "His brother was worse!"
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…… LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin
There's one thing that keeps surprising you about stormy old friends when they die: their silence. ~ Ben Hecht
Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain
~Anais Nin~ People living deeply have no fear of death.
~Ashley Montagu~ The idea is to die young as late as possible.
~Edvard Munch~ From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.
~Erik H. Erikson~ Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death.
~Giovanni Falcone~ He who doesn't fear death dies only once
~Ryokan~ Someday I'll be a weather-beaten skull resting on a grass pillow, Serenaded by a stray bird or two. Kings and commoners end up the same, No more enduring than last night's dream.