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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Goldhedge

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BEST IDEA YET!

Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you,
but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win situation for everyone and would eliminate this crap about racial profiling.
This method would also alleviate the need for a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can just see it now:
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number.........."
 

Goldhedge

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Hillbilly Birth

*

Deep in the back woods,*of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity,
the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You
hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the
doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres
another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!'
cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . .

*

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
 

Goldhedge

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The last word…

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license and inquired
of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,
and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your
grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.’

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that,
and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…
and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?’
 

Goldhedge

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?†She asked.

“Hunting Flies†He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?†She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,†he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?â€

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.€
 

Brio

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Let's put the Seniors in jail, and the Criminals in a nursing home.


In jail, the Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies,
and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental
and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money
instead of paying it out. Not much, but at least something.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be
helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be
ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals
and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counselling, pool, and education, simple clothing, shoes, slippers, and pajamas.

Legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C., T.V., Radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The Criminals, in a Nursing Home would get cold food, be left all alone, and
unsupervised.

Lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week. Everything would have to be
paid for and complaints would be handled by an Aide that doesn't speak English.

They would live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope
of ever getting out.
 

Goldhedge

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The Romantic Husband


Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."
 

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Goldhedge

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Brio

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bloodhound1.jpg
 

Goldhedge

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the
cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you
have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell not ebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg , Germany .


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S.. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment
trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about how working people
make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep....



Now give me back my dog.
 

Goldhedge

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This goes along with post #30:

 
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Ragnarok

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"A baby seal walks into a club..."

R.
 

Goldhedge

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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop....
 

Goldhedge

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This is interesting! And to paraphrase W.C. Fields,
I don't drink water, because fish shit in it..

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling,
filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Shit.
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit! .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
 

Goldhedge

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POWER OUTAGE:

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."

The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.

I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!'

This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the
waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side
finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in
a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between
those two 4” thick pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open
so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of
me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl)
asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria,
I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take
care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at
the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt
to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back
on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!’
 

Goldhedge

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An orchestra was playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony at a concert in the
park. They were in the middle movements and the choir didn't have much
to do. The basses, in the back, decided to run across the street to get a
drink at a pub.

It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music
stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the pub, they
could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last
movement of the symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the
bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get the music loose.

Unfortunately, they weren't having much success.

The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation:

it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
 

Unclad Lad

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My girlfriend and I got in a huge fight last week. Her birthday was coming up, and she told me she wanted something that would go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

So I bought her a bathroom scale.
 

Goldhedge

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BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.
 

Goldhedge

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The fix...

 
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Goldhedge

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Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Farther O’Grady.

“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary.

“Well what is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well, yes he did father,” replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

Mary replied, “He said, ’Please, Mary, put down the gun…’”
 

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then
slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
..

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again
opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.
...

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

...

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which
she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL’.”
 

Goldhedge

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A man said to his work mates hey guys they’ve opened a new brothel near us.

It's fantastic they pick you up in a limo, take you there, you drink champagne
all night as much as you want, and have sex as often as you like too. Then
the drive you back home in the limo and stuff twenty dollars in your pocket
before letting you out right outside your front door.

Man that sounds too good to be true. They do all that and pay you?

I don’t get it. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN? he said...

“NO REPLIED THE MAN†BUT THE WIFE GOES THREE TIMES A WEEK.
 

Goldhedge

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The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner
is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that
her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after
all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was
greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – DON’T YOU EVER STOP?
 

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to
reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and
hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words
‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go
out with me.â€

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and
cheese.â€

“Oh, how childish,†said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever.â€

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you
do?â€

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,†blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,†said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the
Lab’s sentence.â€

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little
guy?â€

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco
Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab
and says….

Liver alone. Cheese mine.
 

Goldhedge

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every
day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she
approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible
adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a @#**% wall!
 

Goldhedge

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A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to
have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,
however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,†said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do
you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I
will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear
physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research
that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in
pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.â€

“Marvelous,†said the head of the institution.

“Or else,†ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.â€

“Absolutely,†said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science
for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution.â€

“An interesting possibility,†said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can alway continue to
be a teakettle.â€
 

Goldhedge

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and say; ‘Slim I’m 83 years old now and I’m just
full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age.
How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like an newborn baby.’

‘Really? Like a newborn baby!?

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and i Think I just wet my pants.’
 
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Goldhedge

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Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not
recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize
Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mennonites do not
recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
 

Goldhedge

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Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him;
he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.
 

Goldhedge

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Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

I’ll sleep on it,” said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!!!
 

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A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people
here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start.

“Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have
seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.

“Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

“Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: “Son, all the
years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here
and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor Asks:
“So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

Bubba replied: “Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said “Goats”
 
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The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
 

Brio

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home . . .and left it there all night.
 

Brio

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President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his red sisters and brothers.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
 

GOLD DUCK

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QWAK,Brio, :hahaha::cry1: :36_11_6: -- I got REAL TEARS in my EYES and COFFEE on my MONITOR and KEY BOARD too! :yes: :4_1_72: :4_1_72:

The (WADDELING ) DUCK :15_1_70v::banana:
 

Goldhedge

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Here's a picture of the oil leak from space!








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newmisty

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^ Funny one. Here's some thought provoking one liners.

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Things Way Too Serious

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.