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Strawboss

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Goldhedge - I appreciate your contributions to this thread. i hope you keep it up.
 

newmisty

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Prison Vs Work

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on
The seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they
Deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
Inside bars.

IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
 

GOLD DUCK

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Prison Vs Work

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on
The seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they
Deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
Inside bars.

IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

QWAK,Hummmmmmmmm:alberteinstein: Proof that when you change your MIND you change your WORLD because YOU relate to things DIFERENTLY!:thumbs_up::23_30_104:

Perception is EVERY THING!:cheerful: :haha:

The realy CRAZY part :banghead:is that SOoooooooooooooo many people are actualy HAPPY or at least content to exist in such CONFINES! :confused_ma::10_1_19:

the DUCK :15_1_70v:
 

Meetzos

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Robot Lie Detector


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. :haha:
 
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Meetzos

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Men strike back! :fisheye:


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 

Harvey

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Men strike back! :fisheye:


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do women fake orgasms?
They think we care.
 

Nickelless

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Prison Vs Work

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on
The seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they
Deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
Inside bars.

IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

I think I'll try to get away with anonymously posting this on the bulletin board at work. :D
 

Goldhedge

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THE OLDER CROWD


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to
speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is
going to come and live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.

-------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The second old guy says, 'That's OK; it's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too.' I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'

The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'
 

Goldhedge

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Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife
wouldn't let him..

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home totally
frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at the golf
resort, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby, drinking a
beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Frank?"

"I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last night I slumped down in my chair
with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and
covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her hands back, she was
standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into
the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'......

SO HERE I AM !"
 

Goldhedge

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Perhaps you speak French? If not, just watch the translator...

 
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Meetzos

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.):dance:
 

Goldhedge

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Engineers' Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
 

Goldhedge

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—I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
—Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
—There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’
—I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
—It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
—A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it
—I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
—He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends
—Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
—To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
 

Goldhedge

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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
 

Goldhedge

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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there’s a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,
while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

“There’s one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest.”

“How do you know it’s one of our wolves?” the Kentucky farmer asked.

“Well,” the Tennessee man replied, “he’s already chewed off three of his legs
and he’s still trapped.”
 

Goldhedge

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You Know You’re From A Small Town When…

• The local phone book has only one yellow page.

• Third Street is on the edge of town.

• The “road hog†in front of you on Main Street is a farmer’s combine.

• You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it’s still there on the same chair.

• You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

• No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

• You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

• Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

• The McDonalds only has one golden arch.

• A “Night on the Town†takes only 11 minutes.

• You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you’re from.

• Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

• You can name everyone you graduated with.

• School gets canceled for state sporting events.

• Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

• Directions are given out using the stop light as reference.

• It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
 

Goldhedge

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were honeymooning in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to correct it, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places him on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

”Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
 

Goldhedge

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4 Worms Church Sermon!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

That pretty much ended the service
 

Goldhedge

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Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman
wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very
nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady, I would like three
pickets to titsburg.” He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. “Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.
”Mortified, he too fled.

“Morons….” the third priest mutters and moves to the window. “Young
lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change
in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you
get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you.”

They took the bus.
 

Goldhedge

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A woman goes into the doctor’s all bruised and beaten up pretty badly…...

Doctor: “My god…what happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.. Every time my husband comes
home after a few beers he beats me up.”

Doctor: “Well I have a really good remedy for that.. When your husband comes
home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your
mouth. Don’t drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while”.

2 weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking all healthy and fresh again.

Woman: ” Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant …. Every time my husband came
home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never
touches me.”

Doctor: “Excellent…..........

so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!”
 

Goldhedge

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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing
soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball
and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

“That’s so clever,†the woman gasps. “How did you do it?â€

“Easy,†replies the man. “These are my khakisâ€.
 

Goldhedge

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and
after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would
recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is
the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards
the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant
we went to last night?
 

Goldhedge

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’
 

Goldhedge

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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty
bad. You better roll him over.’

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
‘Nope, ain’t Stanley'.

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty
well burnt up. Roll him over..’

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No,
it ain’t Stanley’

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’

Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’

‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say: ‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
 

Goldhedge

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’

He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’

‘So, where were you all these years?’

‘In prison,’ he says.

‘Why did they put you in prison?’

He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.’

‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…?!’
 

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Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes
later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 

Unclad Lad

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Goldhedge, you might want to get a bit more fiber in your diet--you're spending too much time reading The Big Book of Bathroom Humor.


”Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Ohhhh, you're gonna pay for that one.
 

raging

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Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' ! . . . Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage. There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet. Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least another four years before it happens again!
 

raging

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A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the man gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: " Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong ,honey.I love you!"

His wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me that he's gay, and thinks your cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
 

Lt Dan

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Didn't quite know where to put this, rather to start a new thread or just stick it here.

How southern are you?

 
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Goldhedge

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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt
our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted
by the remarkable achievements of other
"seniors" who have found the courage to take
on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.



I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do
now that you're retired'?
Well....I'm fortunate to
have a chemical engineering background, and
one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer,
wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.


Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
 

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Meetzos

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Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blindingheadaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 y ears, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
</ DIV>





New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
 

Meetzos

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Five rules for men to follow to a happy life:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
 

Goldhedge

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BEST BAR JOKE


Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.

He goes back into the bar.


The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."


The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"
 

Brio

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A sensitive man


THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING. THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION. THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.

"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
 

Goldhedge

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A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some
Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, ‘I just
gave him some ant killer…..’

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too
swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’
‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded
to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside
her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.

She replied, ‘I knew I! should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?’

‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and
the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked
the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’ (keep shuddering!!)

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’,
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this
is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!
 

Meetzos

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> A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she
> decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just
> before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
> stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a
> sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my
> ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you
> happy."
>
> With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had
> always
> wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
>
> That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
> lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
> and make love to her until dawn.
>
> Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
> routine inspection.
>
> "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
> "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
>
> "I see," the captain says.
>
> "Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's
> screwing me."
>
> "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten
> Island Ferry."
 

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New Ground Zero Mosque Rendering
 

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Meetzos

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D..C. One is from Illinois, another from Tennessee, & a third from Kentucky .



They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'


The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'


The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'


'Done!' replies the government official.