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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Stormy223

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TOOLS AND THEIR USES:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- !'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 

mtnman

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the_shootist

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hoarder

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I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.


Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.

If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favourite!


~~~~~

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required!

Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier.

If this keeps up, I'll be pouring wine in my cereal!


~~~~~

Today's Weather? Room temperature

~~~~~

30 Days Hath September, April, June and November

All the rest have 31 ... except March which had 8000


~~~~~

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.

Now weeds legal and schools closed ... damn kids are livin' the dream!


~~~~~

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!

~~~~~

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock", don't open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home


~~~~~

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside.

I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.

Now I understand dogs.


~~~~~

Day 8 of social isolation and it's looking like Vegas in my house:

We're losing money by the minute.

Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.

Nobody knows what time it is.
 

Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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GOLDBRIX

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Didn't know sleepy Joe was into figure skating....
That's his son. The one that gets mad because he don't know to use condoms "f-ing" strippers.
 

GOLDBRIX

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BarnacleBob

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Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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mtnman

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mtnman

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Goldhedge

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