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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Lt Dan

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The sick feeling you get after eating to much is called crapulence?!
That's the funniest one...

BTW, I knew just three of those definitions.
BF
I knew tines and tittles, Oh and 21. you know the guy who didn't kill himself. whistle:
 

Goldhedge

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in human excrement no doubt...

Screen Shot 2020-05-27 at 12.00.08 PM.png
 
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the_shootist

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the_shootist

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Goldhedge

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
 

Goldhedge

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Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
 

Goldhedge

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
 

GOLDBRIX

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Goldhedge

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I took the shell off of my racing snail in hopes that it would make him faster.

If anything, it just made him more sluggish.
 

Someone_else

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I was thinking of putting this in the stupid "Street closed" thread, but I think this is funny.

My area, like many others, has a road that has some straight parts and some tighter turns. Yawn. Every road has tight turns. Some more than others. This is everywhere and obvious to every driver. This is about a turn that is marked for 35, but is easily 45 and maybe 50 with careful attention.

A couple years ago, a new sign came up that had flashing lights and the words "Slow down" lit up. This sign was well before the "tight turn" and there was no need to slow down yet. Maybe I would be doing 50 or 55 just before the sign, and I might slow down to 45 when I got to that turn. These days, I drive more like a limo driver... So this electronic sign was really insulting. "YES, I CAN DRIVE SAFELY. DON'T INSULT ME!" Not too long later, the sign was removed.

I buy surplus electronics, and get emails from one surplus company (Electronic Goldmine). I used to buy quite a bit from them, but it has tapered off. Maybe it's the Chinese competition. Anyway... Not long afterwards, I saw that they were selling these same "Slow down" electronic signs for surplus. Cheap. But damaged by shotgun. Hah! I guessed it! They insulted the drivers, and the drivers replied with shotguns.
 

mtnman

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1590714684986.png
 

JayDubya

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Two friends teed off on the local golf course. One pulled it into the brush on the left, the other shanked it into the woods on the right.

The guy on the right finds his ball in a nice lie in a small patch of buttercups with a perfect shot to the green. He addresses the ball, lines his shot up and makes perfect contact. All of a sudden he hears a tremendous crack behind him, turns around to look and sees a tall, slender woman in a billowing white robe, flowers in her hair and an impressive presence.

The guy blinks and asks, "Who the hell are you?" She replies, "I am mother nature. It has taken me centuries to perfect that patch of buttercups and you have wantonly destroyed them. For THAT, you have no butter for the rest of your life!" Then CRACK! She was gone.

Not believing what he had just experienced, he hollered to his friend, "Bill! Where are you?" Bill replied, "I'm over here in the pussy willows!"

He shouted back, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BILL, DON'T SWING!"
 

Goldhedge

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Somebody was asking about the new aluminum body fords yesterday, well here is what they look like after a fire

Screen Shot 2020-05-29 at 12.53.42 PM.png
 

the_shootist

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