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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

hoarder

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Drafting Guys Over 70.



I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.



Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.



For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!?? I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.



If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at by the wives and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.



Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.



An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.



These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.



HEY!!??
How about recruiting Women over 50... in Menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!


If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
 

Goldhedge

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I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look...

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Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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mtnman

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Too good not to share:

This coronavirus is the strangest virus I've ever heard of. It's very dangerous the way it spreads. It is so mysterious the way it lurks in schools, but then dies at Home Depot. It can wreak havoc in churches; praying people are exceptionally vulnerable! Although it’s Mind-boggling how it vanishes when people stand close together holding signs, destroying businesses, homes, property, monuments, etc. Yet, standing to watch a marathon or a concert triggers its wrath. It is sneaky. It can spread when buying clothes at Kohl's but not at Target. It is non-alcoholic. It can't spread when you are buying beer. It lives for two days on Amazon boxes, you must wait 48 hours to touch them but It can't survive on Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, so enjoying a hot cup of joe is safe. It is the most curious thing, how it lives on basketballs, baseball bats and ballet bars, but dies on WWE ropes and Walmart shopping carts. It is spread by hair stylists, dog groomers, and dentists, but not by bank tellers, cashiers, and fast food workers. It's so smart. It won’t bother the first 10 people but it knows when the 11th person shows up so be careful if that’s you. It even knows what you want vs what you need. If you want a massage or your nails done it is very actively on the prowl and not even a mask can stop it but If you need a plumber, it is weak, and a mask will keep it away. It also seems to be most dangerous after 5:30pm so businesses must start to close before the virus comes out and wreaks havoc upon the populations. Whoever heard of such a smart sneaky virus?!?
Copy and Paste ! I did !
 

Goldhedge

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I love when a plan comes together...

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Goldhedge

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newmisty

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newmisty

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brosil

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edsl48

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The DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION SCHEDULE has been released. July 13, 2020
A comment from a Yahoo article. I thought it was pretty witty.

“11:15 AM
Free lunch, medical marijuana, and bus ride to the Convention.
Forms distributed for Food Stamp enrollment.

2:30 PM
Group Voter Registration for Undocumented Immigrants.

4:00 PM
Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
Sponsored by CNN



4:15 PM
Address on “Being the Real You”
Rachel Dolezal, former Head of the Seattle NAACP and
Caitlyn Jenner

4:30 PM
“How to Bank $200 Million as a Public Servant and Claim to be Broke”
Hillary Clinton

4:45 PM
“How to have a successful career without ever having a job, and still avoid paying taxes!”
A Seminar Moderated by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

5:00 PM
Medals of Freedom presentation to Army deserter Bo Berghdal and the
Baltimore Looters

5:30 PM
Invitation-only Autograph Session
Souvenir photographs of Elizabeth Warren dressed in Native American clothing with Pow Wow Chow autograph

5:45 PM
Tribute to All of the 57 States
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi

6:00 PM
General vote on praising Baltimore rioters, and on using the terminology “Alternative Shoppers” instead of “Looters”


7:30 PM
Announcement of VP Nominee – Stacy Abrams – Popeye’s, The Varsity and Hardee’s in the White House kitchen

8:30 PM
The White House “Semantics Committee” Meeting
General vote on re-branding “Muslim Terrorism” as “Random Acts of Islamic Over-Exuberance”

9:00 PM
“Liberal Bias in Media – How we can make it work for you”
Tutorial sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times with Guest Speaker, Don Lemon

9:15 PM
Tribute Film to the Brave Freedom Fighters still incarcerated at GITMO
by Michael Moore

9:45 PM
Personal Finance Seminar – “Businesses Don’t Create Jobs”
Hosted by speaker Barack Obama and Dudechelle

10:00 PM
Group Condemnation of Bitter Gun Owners.

10:30 PM
Ceremonial “We Surrender” Waving of the White Flag

11:00 PM
Short film, “Setting Up Your Own Illegal Email Server While Serving in A Cabinet Post and How to Pretend It’s No Big Deal”
Hosted by Hillary Clinton

11:30 PM
Official Nomination of Kamala Harris
Bill Maher and Chris Matthews

12:00 Group apology for being white
Is Teddy Kennedy proposing a toast from the Chappaquiddick Bridge?”
 

Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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