Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.
"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that two months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But darling, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," replied the man.
An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group
and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing
the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak
up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of
After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood.....
big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,
and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really had to go, after all those pints of Guinnesss.
He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his
As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a
London bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really,
really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".
He led him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to
a gate which he opened.
"In there," pointed the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere
The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful
garden he had ever seen -- manicured grass lawns, statuary,
fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous
flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he had the cop's blessing, he zipped down and
unburdened himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back
through the gate, he said to the bobbie, "That was really decent
of you .... is that "British Hospitality?".
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,
"that is the French Embassy".
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoe shine asks the Executive Director:
"What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
"Why are you so interested in that that topic?"
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoe shine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name?" asks the Director.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
"Do we have a client named John H Smith?"
"Certainly", answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account."
The Director comes out, approaches the shoe shine and says:
"Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you."
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story:
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job, but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoe shine location at this great place."
"Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars."