An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
On my way home today I stopped at Speedway to get a coffee and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there.. But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my coffee. As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! Like she was bat shit crazy .. When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? And being the nosy ass I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for. The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!!
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one
daycomparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentioned: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo".
"Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
"But, it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he was about to deliver the coup de grace,
the Greek pointed out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved..."
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did?"
One of the other workers mutters, "Uh, he's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Joe Biden stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone