WC Fields: "Life is easier to take than you'd think. All that's necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable, worship the contemptible, laugh over the mirthless, and screw the inscrutable".
Whenever Mark Twain opened one of his wife's letters he wrote on it: "Opened by mistake to see what's in it."
WC Fields to a boy writing dirty words on a back fence: "Pure waste of talent, young man, pure waste. Save them for a novel."
WC Fields: "The Jews are an optimistic people. They cut off an inch when they don't know hoe long it's going to be."