The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Montana. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three gals in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Young black guy applies for a job at a head hunter's place. He's told to fill out an application, drop it in the slot on the side of this machine, and it will print out what you're qualified for and offer a place of employment. The interviewer says he'll be right back.
He does what he's asked, fills out the form, drops it in the slot. The machine makes some mechanical noises and after about a minute it spits out a piece of paper. The man looks at it and this is what's printed in it.
He studies it for a few minutes not sure what it means and then it hits him! He deciphers it like this..
I'll be working for the BIMM company in HYannisport as a BARTender being paid on PerCenTage.
He ponders that and is happy with his conclusion. At that point the interviewer comes back in the room.
The black man tells him he saw the paper exit the machine and proudly tells him of his conclusion.
The interviewer nods his head, picks up the paper and reads it, studies it and after a long pause says, "that's not the correct meaning." The black man asks, " but, what else could it mean."
Be In Memphis Monday
Black Ass Ready To
Pick Cotton Tuesday
No offense to any persons of color. It's a joke. I just pass things along. I'm not racist. Call me crackuh if you like. Or honky or white boy...actually I have been called that, jokingly, by my black friends.
Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him,
"You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?"
One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher
told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low
marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in
her entire teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback,
withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to
Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac
disease and her doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery,
which only surgeons at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no
other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she looked at the young doctor
who headed her surgical team smiling down at her, and then looked around
the room as if in relief that she had survived the surgery. She wanted to
thank the doctor, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she
raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. The
doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
janitor at the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in
order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, you are an idiot and
you have been reading too much progressive propaganda. There is a high
likelihood that you will vote for Joe Biden.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take the 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall...
The Old Golfer :
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"
Without missing a beat, old Margaret replies, "Maybe You should a bought a new hat!