JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece
on those little bottles of Evian water. Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
(sentiments exactly!)

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3. OK ... if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. Three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

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6. If people from Polandare called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with ?

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9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but
a person who drives a race car is not called a racist ?

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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one ?

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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP ?

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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so, I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for ?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[TAEZZAR]

Great stuff !!

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[mtnman]

 

[Silver]

 

[mtnman]

 

[Bottom Feeder]

What? We always skinned em first.

BF

 

[Lt Dan]

What? We always skinned em first.

BF

Me too!

 

[GOLDBRIX]

May have previously posted here IDK.
ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION !

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'​

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'​

Yes, Father, it is.​

'And who was the girl you were with?'​

‘I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'​

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'​

‘I cannot say.’​

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'​

I'll never tell. '​

“Was it Nina Capelli?'​

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'​

“Was it Cathy Piriano?'​

“My lips are sealed.'​

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'​

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'​

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.'​

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'​

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​

 

[GOLDBRIX]

 

[GOLDBRIX]

 

[JayDubya]

 

[JayDubya]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[chieftain]

Denise Milani, at one point THE biggest tease on the interwebz; she now works at Hooters.

 

[Ensoniq]

View attachment 190248

I still remember my mother calling it, “the idiot box” and the “boob tube”

 

[the_shootist]

 

[the_shootist]

I still remember my mother calling it, “the idiot box” and the “boob tube”

Your mother was very wise, so was mine!

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[hammerhead]

View attachment 190329

I stopped into a book store in a college town yesterday. In the window, there was a book with Zero's picture on it. I was so tempted to ask the kid that was at the checkout counter if they had any books about successful communist countries.

 

[mtnman]

 

[Silver]

 

[BarnacleBob]

 

[Goldhedge]

 

[Silver]

 

[Goldhedge]

Not exactly a joke...


RULES TO TEACH YOUR SON
1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs.
3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Request the late check-out.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or don’t play at all…
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
14. You marry the girl, you marry her family.
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
18. Never turn down a breath mint.
19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
22. Eat lunch with the new kid.
23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
25. Manners maketh the man.
26. Give credit. Take the blame.
27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.
28. Write down your dreams.
29. Take time to snuggle your pets, they love you so much and are always happy to see you.
30. Be confident and humble at the same time.
31. If ever in doubt, remember whose son you are and REFUSE to just be ordinary!
32. In all things lead by example not explanation.

 

[Goldhedge]

Kid Figures Out A Way To Score On His Dad

 

[Bottom Feeder]

Trust the plan...

 

[JayDubya]