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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

BarnacleBob

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the_shootist

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Goldhedge

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I've never had a need for these, but Wish.com sells them so there must be a need for them....


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the_shootist

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Wow. What a message while you're out bombing the brown people of the world.
I thought it somewhat ironic myself, which is why I posted it here. I am impressed that the top 'thing' has 10 sppeds. That's 4 more than my motorcycle and the same as my bicycle.
 

the_shootist

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hammerhead

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Goldhedge

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Interviewer: “How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?”

Me: “That’s when I went to Yale”

Interviewer: “That’s impressive. You’re hired”

Me: “Thanks. I really need this yob”
 

the_shootist

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the_shootist

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Ahh c'mon, you got to admit this qualifies as creative humor!
 
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the_shootist

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Goldhedge

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the_shootist

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BarnacleBob

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Two mathematicians were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One mathematician shook his head, laughed and said to the other, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
 

BarnacleBob

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This HOA neighborhood had some monks move in. As soon as they did they broke up the beautiful lawn in front of their house and planted... flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. Made the neighborhood look untidy, not the proper cookie cutter at all. So the HOA swung into action.

They tried talking to the monks. They tried passive-aggressive notes, and subpoenas, and motions to censure... they tried everything. They even sent a flock of Karens... nothing worked. The monks just smiled gently and grew their flowers.

So, the HOA went to the Old Lawyer, a man who was wise in the ways of bureaucracy and evil, and asked what they should do. And the Old Lawyer said "Sheep. Buy some sheep and let them loose at night, and they will eat the monks' flowers."

The HOA did as the Old Lawyer said, but the sheep didn't touch the flowers. So the HOA went back to the Old Lawyer.

"Were the sheep healthy?" asked the lawyer.

"They were!" said the HOA. "Three of the finest rams you ever did see."

"Rams???" cried the Lawyer. "RAMS?? You fools! Don't you know that only ewes can prevent florist friars?!?"
 

gringott

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BarnacleBob

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”Every minute someone leaves this world behind. We are all in 'the line' without knowing it. We never know how many people are before us.

We can not move to the back of the line.
We can not step out of the line.
We can not avoid the line.
So while we wait in line--

Make moments count.
Make priorities.
Make the time.
Make your gifts known.
Make a nobody feel like a somebody.
Make your voice heard.
Make the small things big.
Make someone smile.
Make the change.
Make love.
Make up.
Make peace.
Make sure to tell your people they are loved.
Make sure to have no regrets.
Make sure you are ready.”
 
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the_shootist

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Mujahideen

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Yes
 

Mujahideen

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I took this picture today. I went to sleep and that truck was perfectly fine. I heard some commotion while I was sleeping and later woke up to this directly across from me.
 
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A husband came home one night carrying a duck in his arms. His wife came to the door as he entered and said, "What the hell is that?" He said, "Here's the pig I've been screwing." She said, "That a duck you idiot!" He says, "I was talking to the duck!"