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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

BarnacleBob

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Bottom Feeder

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This little business card here comes in handy.

Dont Curse.jpg

Download this JPEG here, print on card stock (or on business card sheets) at 300 dpi. The card is 3½ X 2 inches

Hand them out to your profane friends.

BF
 

FADEAWAY

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Two old men Bob and Don decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man Don says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend Bob, "Why do you say that?"


"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend Bob says, "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well,Bob says I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her!"
 

BarnacleBob

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
 

newmisty

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Uglytruth

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So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.
Author Unknown
FYI While in England in 2019 when we were still free to travel there was an Aldi's across from the hotel. They had bags that stretched and did not tear. Great bags.
 

Ensoniq

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Son of Gloin

Certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
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I counted eighty. That would be one helluva workout, though.
 

Son of Gloin

Certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
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BarnacleBob

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for Sale!
 

Goldhedge

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gringott

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Goldhedge

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Goldhedge

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mtnman

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Burning people alive is an evil thing, no doubt, but people don’t fear witches anymore because they don’t believe in witchcraft. That’s a paraphrase from a quote by C. S. Lewis.
Christian religion, was the cause of the burnings.
 

BarnacleBob

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This is no joke! If you also research prescription "blood thinners" you will also learn that they are mostly rat & mice killers that are used to thin the blood of these rodents...

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BarnacleBob

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A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator
..
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
.
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
.
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
 

Son of Gloin

Certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
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Christian religion, was the cause of the burnings.
You scan through Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and tell me where Jesus (that would be all the words in red letters) tells his disciples to burn the witches alive. I’ll wait, while you get right on that.
 

BarnacleBob

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You scan through Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and tell me where Jesus (that would be all the words in red letters) tells his disciples to burn the witches alive. I’ll wait, while you get right on that.

And tell me where in either the Old or New testament there is a clause that exempts witches to be killed... The way I read the Decalog (Exodus 20:2-17 & Deut. 5:6-21) the book says "Thou shalt not kill" and that includes witches, soldiers, murderers, etc... This biblical statute is organic and isn't advisory... Shall in this statute means NO! But let's not allow the delusion to get in the way of wishful thinking & Xian ideology...
 

Son of Gloin

Certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
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And tell me where in either the Old or New testament there is a clause that exempts witches to be killed... The way I read the Decalog (Exodus 20:2-17 & Deut. 5:6-21) the book says "Thou shalt not kill" and that includes witches, soldiers, murderers, etc... This biblical statute is organic and isn't advisory... Shall in this statute means NO! But let's not allow the delusion to get in the way of wishful thinking & Xian ideology...
I don’t consider myself to be an Xian, BB, whatever that is. First. Second, I don’t consider it acceptable to burn anyone alive. I don’t know any biblical exceptions for it. I don’t know any moral exceptions for it. I surely don’t think God accepts it as appropriate behavior for any group of people to do that to any other group of people. I can’t condone or apologize for any group of people who count themselves as “Xian’s” who live now, in the future or in the past, at any time, who think they should tie a person to a stake on a pile of wood and burn them up.

And for what it might be worth, the commandment is to prohibit murder, not killing. It’s impossible to go through life and not kill something almost every day. You step on a bug, that is killing. Drive down the road on a warm August evening, some bugs hit your windshield, that is killing. Barbecue a few burgers on the grill for dinner, that’s killing. Put a gun to a guy’s head and shoot him or tie up the local witch to a pile of wood, that is murder.

Niether I, Jesus Christ, Billy Graham or even Reverend Jesse Jackson are responsible for some idiots in the 15th century who murdered some local witches.
 

Ensoniq

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I could probably sleep at night if George Soros was the one on fire

- just trying to help ;)