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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

JayDubya

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JayDubya

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There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.
 

JayDubya

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This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, handed her card back to the teller, and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3,000.
“Well please let me have $3,000 now.”
The teller kindly handed over $3,000, very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning skills like this.
 

Goldhedge

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And the horse you rode in on....
 

mtnman

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mtnman

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Unca Walt

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Butt... butt... they're susposed to be "jokes", ainnit?

Like: Twins are womb-mates. We'll go where the hand of man has never set foot. If a lotsa little angels are seraphim, why aren't a bunch sheriffs called sheraphim? Louse/lice mouse/mice... house/hice grouse/grice spouse/spice arouse/arice and so on. (One souse, two sice.)

Where it really gets belly laughs (comparatively) is the dichotomy, the koan, the immediate reversal for no possible sane reason:

Dice <-- Make it singular, and it oughta be "douse". Right?
 
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Unca Walt

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A guy axed me: "Did you know the only english word where "s" is pronounced "sh" in the beginning of the word is "sugar"?

I answered him: "Sure!"
 

the_shootist

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Goldhedge

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KnowWhy

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Didn’t see polouseman in there.
Butt... butt... they're susposed to be "jokes", ainnit?

Like: Twins are womb-mates. We'll go where the hand of man has never set foot. If a lotsa little angels are seraphim, why aren't a bunch sheriffs called sheraphim? Louse/lice mouse/mice... house/hice grouse/grice spouse/spice arouse/arice and so on. (One souse, two sice.)

Where it really gets belly laughs (comparatively) is the dichotomy, the koan, the immediate reversal for no possible sane reason:

Dice <-- Make it singular, and it oughta be "douse". Right?
little different, but why not
 

Unca Walt

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Didn’t see polouseman in there.

That's one I missed.

But d'ysee, it is "polouse" for one and two or more are "police".

Blouse -- blice

Santa Klause -- Santa Klice?

Heinous -- He nice?

Jealous -- Jelice
 

mtnman

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1654136557523.png
 

WillA2

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5th grade - Tony King out one day. Shows up next day with what looked like a civil war bandage wrapped around his head covering his eye. Lawn Dart!

Those were the days.