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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!
- Thread starter SilverNuts&Bolts
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Storm Thorgerson (Graphic designer who created the iconic Pink Floyd album cover) rolling over in his grave
I bothered, but unfortunately, they were out of stock....
There’s no point getting it unless you buy mr fusion to power it
Son of Gloin
Certainty of death? What are we waiting for?
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Golf Course Encounter
A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for all your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, too. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H,
so I'm still a hole behind you…"
A man, while playing on the front nine of a confusing golf course, became lost as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his predicament and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for all your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, too. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H,
so I'm still a hole behind you…"
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- Joined
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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
Then they ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
Then they ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
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WTF?
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- Joined
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- Joined
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Inflation in America is so bad that…
- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
- My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2012
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- 20,400
- Reaction score
- 47,378
I Used To Be A Normal person!
As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me "Privileged", a racist & responsible for slavery.
I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget & support myself.
I went to High School, got a degree, got in some college & have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged”
I am heterosexual, which according to "gay" folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a de facto member of the "vast NRA gun lobby”
I am older than 60, making me a useless eater who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat.
I think & I reason, and I doubt much of what the "mainstream" media tells me, which makes me a "Right-wing conspiracy nut”.
I am proud of my heritage & our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.
I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which makes me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in the defense & protection of America for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand & salute during our National Anthem - so I must be a racist.
Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
Funny - it all took place over the last 10 or 11 years! If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use, and I gotta go more FREQUENTLY!
As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me "Privileged", a racist & responsible for slavery.
I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget & support myself.
I went to High School, got a degree, got in some college & have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged”
I am heterosexual, which according to "gay" folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a de facto member of the "vast NRA gun lobby”
I am older than 60, making me a useless eater who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat.
I think & I reason, and I doubt much of what the "mainstream" media tells me, which makes me a "Right-wing conspiracy nut”.
I am proud of my heritage & our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.
I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which makes me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in the defense & protection of America for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand & salute during our National Anthem - so I must be a racist.
Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
Funny - it all took place over the last 10 or 11 years! If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use, and I gotta go more FREQUENTLY!
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”