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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Uglytruth

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TAEZZAR

LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
 

gringott

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
Dam dude you made me laugh out loud.
 

gringott

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1660730712967.png
 

BigJim#1-8

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mtnman

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Someone_else

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I used to stay up at night, wondering about the union of a chainsaw and trombone... The comments are golden.
 

mtnman

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TAEZZAR

LADY JUSTICE ISNT BLIND, SHES JUST AFRAID TO WATCH
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There are three things that cannot be easily hidden:
The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:


SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,

"Congratulations."

But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in

a Porsche than on a bicycle.


2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.


3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember

you when they're in trouble again.


4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.


5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.


BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman's husband.


2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR

drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.


3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office

and one in prison.
 

mtnman

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Goldhedge

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Never saw those movies. There were several, right?
I never saw the attraction... in fact, I don't see the attraction for a LOT of movies....
 

arminius

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I never saw the attraction... in fact, I don't see the attraction for a LOT of movies....

Specially considering where and how they're made...
 

mtnman

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mtnman

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arminius

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hoarder

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1. "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

2. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

3. I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

4. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.



5. As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be printed, misspelled, and have no punctuation.

6. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

7. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.


8.Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

9.I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas

10. G-d promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.



11. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

12. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

13. Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

14. She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found "Mute" by now.
Don't ask me why cut and paste gets quoted.
 

Unca Walt

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Last edited:

Goldhedge

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mtnman

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Ensoniq

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gringott

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Its a African Haitian.
 

gringott

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BarnacleBob

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They are an interspecies couple, I wonder if their offspring can reproduce? Or is this like the homosexual unions, failure to comprehend reproduction.

Looks to me that the elephant symbol of the Republican Party is putting it in the Ass of the Dem Party.... but hey, thats just my interpretation.