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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

mispillion

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Mary Jo and Ted were driving the hotel when Mary Jo dropped the bomb

Senator Ted I'm pregnant what are we going to do

Kennedy, "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"
i remember this graffiti from a barroom toilet stall about 30 years ago...

"there once was a senator from mass,
who went looking for a new piece off ass.
he looked and he found her,
but fucked up and drown her,
now his political future's in the past."
 

Goldhedge

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TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18 Procrastinate Now![]
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24 ..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music .
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
 

mtnman

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Weatherman

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keef

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Yeah, its raw. Yeah, its funny.


If you don't laugh at this it may be time for.. well, not in my forum, girlfriend.​
 

mtnman

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mtnman

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Goldhedge

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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 

mtnman

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Professur

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Yeah, its raw. Yeah, its funny.


If you don't laugh at this it may be time for.. well, not in my forum, girlfriend.​
I guess I don't get american humour.
 

mtnman

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mtnman

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EXERCISE

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where
you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them
there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute,
and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move
up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try
to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in
each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level,

put a potato in each bag.
 

mtnman

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Goldhedge

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Little bit of language...


 

mtnman

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mtnman

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mtnman

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Bottom Feeder

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For us olde feckers

+====+====+====+====+====+====+====+====+
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.

They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs...
OK.

Ten years later at 40 they play. Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.
OK.

Ten years later at 50. Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
The food is good and there is plenty of parking.
OK.

At 60 - Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Wings are half price.
OK

At 70 - Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.
OK.

At 80 - Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
We've never been there before.
+====+====+====+====+====+====+====+====+

BF
 

mtnman

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mtnman

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mtnman

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mtnman

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When you're serious about hiding Easter Eggs!


P1070100.JPG
 

mtnman

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Marco went to the local dive bar last night and saw a very large woman dancing on a table.
He mentions, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
He said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now........"
It cost him 6 stitches, but, when you’re an old geezer..............who cares??
 

mtnman

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lumpOgold

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam, "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


upload_2017-4-26_13-53-9.png
 

BarnacleBob

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.


So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Clinton in '2016'".

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
 

BarnacleBob

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"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children" -- Clarence Darrow
 

mtnman

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PEEING ON THE FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?"

"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck!"

"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

“Not everybody pays."
 

Goldhedge

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You a lissina to a me....

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?
 

Weatherman

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