• Same story, different day...........year ie more of the same fiat floods the world
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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Weatherman

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This guy will fit in well here. Let's save the handle Doubter Dog for him.

dog.jpg
 

Ensoniq

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PEEING ON THE FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?"

"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck!"

"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

“Not everybody pays."
This well describes the founding of Congress

A bag full of dicks
 

Bottom Feeder

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My wife and I were watching a program on TV where they were discussing mixed emotions. So I said to my wife, “that’s a bunch of BS, how can you have ‘mixed emotions’ over something? I bet you can’t tell me one thing that would make me happy and sad at the same time.”
My wife looks at me for a minute and says, “OK, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.”
 

Goldhedge

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Psychiatrist " what brings you here today ? "

Patient " Well the government thinks I'm crazy "

Psychiatrist " " Why do you think they say that ? "

Patient " Well .... okay where do I start ? let's see .... I see people blindly going through life following orders from and paying extortionist taxes to a government who poisons their air, food and water.

I watched three massive skyscrapers fall to the ground in around 30 seconds on september 11'th 2001 and I know that is impossible without explosives yet people accept the governments silly account of that day and excuses of planes that can't even penetrate steel and concrete buildings to begin with causing those building to completely explode using jet fuel that doesn't burn hot enough to to even soften steel.

I watch planes leaving trails in the sky that last all day and create a cloud that leaves a grey haze everyday that hides the life giving sun.

I watch the police beating people up and sending them to jail for years for using cannabis while pedophiles and rapists get a slap on the wrist and get told they have a disorder and should be helped.

I see people going into these large buildings where they listen to and then pay people, who do nothing, their hard earned money who worship imaginary friends.

I watch people brushing their teeth with a known poison and they do it without wondering why this would be a stupid thing to do ?

I get angry when I see people using doctor prescribed cancer causing chemicals in their natural bodies and then when the doctor tells them they have cancer they use more to try to cure the cancers caused by those chemicals.

I see people watching TV and every commercial is selling those chemicals or some other form of poison, between shows that promote violence, perversion, and unattainable life expectancy's.

I see people working two jobs to survive while the people in government do nothing and get rich by taxing everyone more, making more laws, and raising the price of everything.

I see nothing but corruption in the courts that are supposed to be here to protect people from violence and theft, but condone the use of violence and theft to enforce tickets and fines from people who have not done anything to cause loss or harm.

Psychiatrist " Sorry your time is up "

Patient " but there is more ! "

Psychiatrist " I am going to prescribe you some extra strength Zoloft , You appear to be depressed, you can pick up your prescription at the front desk."
 

lumpOgold

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Garter snakes can be deadly
A couple had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed, both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.
 

Goldhedge

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New dog cross breeds The following new cross breeds are now recognized by the Kennel Club - allegedly

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
You figure this one out
 

Professur

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And somehow, Trump didn't grab her pussy ....
 

Howdy

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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.


The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

And, if you want to, bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
 

Goldhedge

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Drug Dealer Brags Over Live Stream About His Cash Just As Cops Bust In And Raid His Home

 

Ensoniq

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Someone_else

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Okay. On one hand is stupid, the other is honest. I guess honest and funny wins over stupid. But I wonder how can a guy who is high get such an important detail wrong about FOOD when he has the munchies? Won't he "get it" when he starts eating his snack?
 

Scald

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Okay. On one hand is stupid, the other is honest. I guess honest and funny wins over stupid. But I wonder how can a guy who is high get such an important detail wrong about FOOD when he has the munchies? Won't he "get it" when he starts eating his snack?
He was probably too occupied with his "ass fuck":rotf:
 

the_shootist

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Not intended as a joke but I think it's hilarious

She's doing God's work by promoting separatism and segregation but she needs to work on her delivery!


 

Ensoniq

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Retard alert

Logic fail, discourse fail, IQ challenged

And off the chart annoying
 

Professur

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1:27 ... gave up.
 

Goldhedge

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About the Dot:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us westerners have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
 

Pyramid

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I'm sitting next to this older woman at the tavern last night. She looked pretty dang good for being 60, I kid you not, and I would’ve bet that if she had a daughter, she’d be a real dish, too.

So we’re going to order another round and she asks me if I ever had a “sportsman’s double.” Never heard of it, so she tells me it’s a mother-daughter threesome. Holy cow, if the daughter is a forty-years-younger version of this gal, I really ought to try a “sportsman’s double,” what the fock.

So we go back to her place, she flips on the hall light and shouts upstairs, “Ma! You awake? Company!!!”
 

Ensoniq

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Post said when a car hits a sign it takes months to get it fixed

Somebody fixed up the Crooked Hill Road sign and reportedly three people come out and fix it the same day

image.jpeg
 

Goldhedge

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Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

Goldhedge

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MERGER TIPS FOR 2017:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang