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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

mtnman

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Remember Al?

 

Joseph

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Deep things the retired guy thinks about:





I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that we men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Which would interrupt my deep thought.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is patently more painful than having a baby. Even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I might like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.
 

michael59

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Deep things the retired guy thinks about:





I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that we men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Which would interrupt my deep thought.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is patently more painful than having a baby. Even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I might like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.
That is so awesome....no, not the getting kicked in the nads part.....
 

Bottom Feeder

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That is the finest example of deductive reasoning as I have seen in looooong time there Joseph.
Have another beer on me. I think I’ll join ya.

BF
 

Goldhedge

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THESE ARE REAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”


BE AWARE …

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!



 

mtnman

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Ensoniq

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Reminds me of Tijuana

Always keep- ten in one pocket and a $20in the other

Local police will "pay the judge your $10 fine" but it's $20 for the Federalis

Never insult them by acting like its a bribe. Play the game go home no proble, every time

Gets kinda crazy in TJ at nights - anything goes on avenue revolution
 

mtnman

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Reminds me of Tijuana

Always keep- ten in one pocket and a $20in the other

Local police will "pay the judge your $10 fine" but it's $20 for the Federalis

Never insult them by acting like its a bribe. Play the game go home no proble, every time

Gets kinda crazy in TJ at nights - anything goes on avenue revolution
Better Idea, Fuck Mexico, Stay in the US
 

Professur

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mtnman

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Professur

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Could they fare any worse than dead?
 

mtnman

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Could they fare any worse than dead?
321,000,000 people live in the US there's going to be a couple of problems. But 320,999,999 got along just fine. Or you can test your luck in mexico
 

Goldhedge

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A left wing Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured by ISIS.

They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The Politician asked to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying here.

The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.

The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.

This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.

Because, said the Trooper, “when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !”
 

Bottom Feeder

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The Most Functional Word in the English Language: SHIT

That’s right, shit! You can smoke it, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, find shit, loose shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, know shit, and have shit for brains. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shit. There’s bull shit, horse shit, chicken shit, scary shit, deep shit and weird shit. You know the wrong shit, he knows the right shit, she don’t know shit and they’re all fulla shit. You can be up shit creek and everything you touch turns to shit. You can give a shit or not give a shit, but remember, shit happens.

Hope I didn't get this from here :D

BF
 

Son of Gloin

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The Most Functional Word in the English Language: SHIT

That’s right, shit! You can smoke it, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, find shit, loose shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, know shit, and have shit for brains. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shit. There’s bull shit, horse shit, chicken shit, scary shit, deep shit and weird shit. You know the wrong shit, he knows the right shit, she don’t know shit and they’re all fulla shit. You can be up shit creek and everything you touch turns to shit. You can give a shit or not give a shit, but remember, shit happens.

Hope I didn't get this from here :D

BF
I think that was originally George Carlin. So, you got it from a good source.
 

Ensoniq

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Goldhedge

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If you give a Muslim a cookie, he'll complain that it isn't halal and demand that you provide one that is.

If you give a Muslim a Halal cookie, he'll demand that you give him a job so he can buy his own cookies.

If you give a Muslim a job, he'll demand you give him time out to pray.

If you give a Muslim time out to pray, he'll demand that you respect his prophet.

If you show respect for his prophet, a Muslim will demand that you stop singing your National Anthem.

If you stop singing your National Anthem, a Muslim will demand that you elect him to Congress.

If you elect a Muslim to Congress, he'll demand that we change our Constitution, so we are no longer allowed to speak freely or have guns or worship the god of our choice (or not any god at all).

If we change the Constitution to what a Muslim demands, he will demand that Sharia Law be followed by everyone in the land.

If Sharia is followed by everyone in the land, then Muslims will be permitted by law to execute anyone who disagrees with them or does not dress like them or does not worship Allah.

Congress, you gave a Muslim a cookie.
 

keef

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"I hope ur shields are up Captain Hedge, I detect enemy trolls on that big flat screen Mr Sulu pretends to be watching.."

"Oh, no. Here comes another one.."
wow, that rocked the ship.
 

Ensoniq

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"I hope ur shields are up Captain Hedge, I detect enemy trolls on that big flat screen Mr Sulu pretends to be watching.."

"Oh, no. Here comes another one.."
wow, that rocked the ship.
I must not be high enough to get it
 

Son of Gloin

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Son of Gloin

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I think he meant to post that in the William Shatner thread. It would fit there.
Yeah, the Stewie bit with 'Rocket Man' is a parodie of Shatner doing a speaking version of that song back in '78, I think.
 

Krag

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A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! Runna Mickey!"
The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins to walk to first base.
The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud Joe. Walka proud."
 

Goldhedge

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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and
still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad I had to leave them after all the love we had shared..

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma