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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Goldhedge

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The Job Interview

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You'll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
 

Goldhedge

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At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.

She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.

Then slowly the groom's mother fainted.

The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward "What do you have to say?"

There was absolute silence in the church.


The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 

keef

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From the old PBS show, "The Cajun Cook"

A lady tells the story of meeting Wilson by some fishing docks as a young girl:


"I met him one time when I was a youngster and he asked me what I thought was the bravest animal on the planet... After some thought I said the tiger!!! He was like nope - it's the crawfish ... Looking at the confused look in my face, he explained that if a tiger (or any other animal) were on a set of railroad tracks and a train was a approaching - they would run away ... But not a crawfish !!! A crawfish would just sit there with his claws up trying to stop that train
"
 

Weatherman

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It is open season on global warming.

Snow.jpg
 

Someone_else

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That is a weird-ass cake. Three boobs and four nipples? And a question mark over the nut sack?!
 

Goldhedge

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Semper Fi

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word -- "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"

And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.
 

hoarder

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We must stay alert for these indicators:

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds have to look forward to! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.


The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.


When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
 

Goldhedge

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A Chinese lady went to the eye doctor.


He said "ma'am I think you have a cataract"


She said "no I have a wincoln continental"
 

Goldhedge

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.



Your job is to give Elmo …

… two test tickles.
 

michael59

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.



Your job is to give Elmo …

… two test tickles.
Oh dam I am laughing so much...Lena is a Norwegian name.... and, I would know because a friend of mine reads that name constantly out of a book of jokes.....shit the bed that joke is funny.
 

Son of Gloin

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A guy walks into a bar and sits on a bar stool. The bartender is a robot and says to the man, "what's your drink?" The man says whiskey. So, the bartender brings him a whiskey and asks him what is his IQ. The man tells him "150." So, the bartender proceeds to talk to him about philosophy, literature and psychology. He finishes his drink and leaves.

Gets almost to his car and starts to get curious, so he goes back in and sits down. The bartender comes over and asks him what's his drink and his IQ. Guy says "whiskey and 100." So, the bartender brings him his drink and starts a conversation on sports, tv shows and current events. The guy finishes his drink and leaves again.

Gets out the door and starts wondering to himself. He goes back in one last time and sits at the bar. The robot cones over and says "what's your drink and IQ?" The guy says whiskey and IQ is 50. The robot gets him his drink, then leans in real close and says, "So, are you guys still really pissed off that Hillary lost?"
 

hoarder

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I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. What? The sales guy said, "Nelson," to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. We drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Well anyway, yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!" And, immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!
 

glockngold

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"Madam" president....
 

spinalcracker

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Charlie's wife

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlies says, “I just got into Chicago.”

“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
 

michael59

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K, I can't keep this a secret because it is funny, meaning a lawyer just had to think of this, and, and I found it while reading the Independence Municipal code. It is found in the definitions of what a year is:

(1) Gender. Each reference to the masculine gender includes the masculine, feminine and neuter genders.

who would have thunk it but a lawyer...neuters....:2 thumbs up:
 

Bottom Feeder

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So this old bachelor farmer, having various problems with his animals decided he needed to take a different approach to get to the bottom of what was wrong. His cows weren’t giving much milk, his pigs were not eating their food, his sheep stayed out in the pasture all night instead of coming into the barn and nothing he did seemed to help.

The Farmer’s Almanac didn’t provide any help. The local veterinarian couldn’t find anything wrong, and his neighboring farmers could offer no advice. So he turned to an animal whisperer to see if he could find out what the problem was.

The farmer pointed to his cows and explained the problem with the drop in milk production. The animal whisperer said I’ll go have a talk with them. And he did. He came back and told the farmer the cows didn’t like his cold hands when he milked them. So the farmer, the next day before milking his cows, warmed up his hands and sure enough, the cows gave more milk that morning.

"That’s fantastic,” said the farmer, “what is the pig’s problem?”

“I’ll go talk to them,” said the animal whisperer.

And he did. He came back in a little bit and told the farmer that the pigs didn’t like to eat the cold and frozen food that the farmer was giving them during the winter, they needed it heated up. So next morning the farmer heated their food and they gobbled it all right up.

When the animal whisperer came back that day the farmer told him the pigs were eating great and he was happy with the results of the animal whisperer’s work and what did he owe him?

The animal whisperer said, “Ok but what about the sheep? Don’t you want me to talk to the sheep?”

“The sheep? No,” said the farmer, “you can’t trust them lyin’ assed sheep.”

PS: It helps to understand this joke if you're from Montana or Idaho.
:p:D
BF
 

Goldhedge

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Subject: Daffinitions


1. ARBITRATOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES -What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower .
9. PARADOX – Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF – What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH – What the owner of a fish market does.
14. SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official.
 

Goldhedge

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Today I had to go to the mall.

As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Hillary Clinton bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!