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JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

michael59

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there is one on craigslist has Dean Martin as a pik, holding a adult beverage and the caption is: K, I'll go find it. K, could not find it but it has dean martin holing a drink and the caption is something about I am not an alcoholic I drink spirits and that makes me a spiritualist.
 

Son of Gloin

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there is one on craigslist has Dean Martin as a pik, holding a adult beverage and the caption is: K, I'll go find it. K, could not find it but it has dean martin holing a drink and the caption is something about I am not an alcoholic I drink spirits and that makes me a spiritualist.
I used to have that very picture-meme stored in my picture favorites. I can't find it, either. Good one.
 

Professur

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there is one on craigslist has Dean Martin as a pik, holding a adult beverage and the caption is: K, I'll go find it. K, could not find it but it has dean martin holing a drink and the caption is something about I am not an alcoholic I drink spirits and that makes me a spiritualist.
You couldn't have looked very hard.
 

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michael59

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K, to remove that eye cancer I here do poffer this; stripped off of craigslist of course.

Proud Prude with a Price. Grows up, little or a lot on the trashy side (HMMM......Yep yep yep) hide this posting unhide
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Randy the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"
Little Randy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
Billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a
mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card,
and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous
response from little Randy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Randy's whore!"
 

Son of Gloin

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K, to remove that eye cancer I here do poffer this; stripped off of craigslist of course.

Proud Prude with a Price. Grows up, little or a lot on the trashy side (HMMM......Yep yep yep) hide this posting unhide
< image 1 of 1 >





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Randy the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"
Little Randy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
Billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a
mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card,
and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous
response from little Randy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Randy's whore!"
Awesome!
 

mtnman

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I'm posting this as a joke, the sad thing is, it's a fact.


Three Contractors


Three Contractors Bid On Repair To The White House Fence

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.

That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government works.
 

mtnman

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Another one that's funny but sad...


Enigmas
(1) Isn’t it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so
many people, but our benefits don’t?
(2) How can the federal government ask U.S citizens to pay
back student loans - when illegal aliens are receiving a
free education?
(3) Only in America are legal citizens labeled “racists”
and “Nazis,” but illegal aliens are called
“Dreamers”
(4) Liberals say, “If confiscating all guns saves just one
life, it’s worth it.” Well, then, if deporting all
illegals saves just one life, wouldn’t that be worth it?
(5) I can’t quite figure out how you can proudly wave the
flag of another country, - but consider it punishment to be
sent back there.
(6) The Constitution: It doesn’t need to be rewritten, -
it needs to be reread.
(7) William F. Buckley said: “Liberals claim to want to
give a hearing to other points of view, and are then
shocked and offended when they discover that there are other points
of view.”
(8) Joseph Sobran said: “‘Need’ now means wanting
someone else’s money. ‘Greed’ means wanting to keep
your own. ‘Compassion’ is when a politician arranges the
transfer.”
(9) Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, - but some
people still insist the last one was due to climate
change.
 

mtnman

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A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.




Read until the end ... you'll laugh it UP.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand
UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come
UP ? Why do we speakUP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polishUP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir
UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.


To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed
UP is special.


And this UP
is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!



To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP
to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, the earth soaks it UP . When it does not rain for awhile, things dryUP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP !
 

BarnacleBob

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Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore will have sex with anyone and a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
 

JayDubya

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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..

He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks...

They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed.
Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman..
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

'No,' she replies. . ..
'You just happened to catch my eye.
 

Goldhedge

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This could be fake news, I'm unable to confirm.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”


This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”
 

Goldhedge

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TAKING CARE OF THE MOTORCYCLE
"Joe" has to be a Marine. LOL

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one,although it is 10 years old.
It’s shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain’, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they
enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She’s got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still…Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father shouts “I’ll do the F'n dishes!!”
 

Weatherman

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I hope Irons starts a donuts thread to rival his coffee contributions. The results could be delicious!

Donut.jpg